tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27305681032996560022024-03-05T14:30:29.808-05:00the Change I Wish to See...and whatever else it takes to find my pantsbradhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03612814178749943116noreply@blogger.comBlogger102125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730568103299656002.post-15362068520053367512009-01-14T10:45:00.000-05:002009-01-14T10:51:50.748-05:00just in case...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-4KVcd5iCCgkr5ahfmfHDNZAegLFlBboJLwBeTGm3KK_VEwhhTM2USCY_phzSl78RcaKJwT4wMdeKjJjL17wPkuNxIV4XW-oWopt5r_aVsbUx_QmUHk-U7PP_ZgYF_lV8HoDqNkVr3tTw/s1600-h/hellobadge.jpeg+282%C3%97203+pixels.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-4KVcd5iCCgkr5ahfmfHDNZAegLFlBboJLwBeTGm3KK_VEwhhTM2USCY_phzSl78RcaKJwT4wMdeKjJjL17wPkuNxIV4XW-oWopt5r_aVsbUx_QmUHk-U7PP_ZgYF_lV8HoDqNkVr3tTw/s320/hellobadge.jpeg+282%C3%97203+pixels.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<br />
Thanks for stopping by, today.<br />
<br />
But you should be <a href="http://francobeans.com/">here</a>.<br />
<br />
aijuswanawrite.blogspot.com is now <a href="http://francobeans.com/">francobeans.com</a>.<br />
<br />
That's <a href="http://francobeans.com/">francobeans.com</a>.<br />
<br />
Hope to see you there.bradhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03612814178749943116noreply@blogger.com26tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730568103299656002.post-89421909130402492392009-01-13T09:07:00.003-05:002009-01-13T09:47:05.734-05:00the kind of song a swan might singThere comes a time in every blogger's virtual life when he or she outgrows his or her britches and must find a bigger pair of pants, or be reduced to sauntering around in what are usually shameful undergarments.<br />
<br />
Today is that day for me. My undergarments are holey and I can't bear the shame.<br />
<br />
I have been known by many names, here at Blogger: francobeans, f.B, the great mouse detective, bastard... But after today, this face<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJE8TQ0mNgfeCieOb_S7lzxZrOS6tdZF4WczHfk7rakdV1SFyFYZ_SMdZkI_v_NP4FsQqTiEaoETyFvNxj_1zm6a1-bKjPwpHunlQhe6Tb7LSW_iYf0djGQrZdV9O-r472nTlBkus1i7ng/s1600-h/Basil_nice.sized.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJE8TQ0mNgfeCieOb_S7lzxZrOS6tdZF4WczHfk7rakdV1SFyFYZ_SMdZkI_v_NP4FsQqTiEaoETyFvNxj_1zm6a1-bKjPwpHunlQhe6Tb7LSW_iYf0djGQrZdV9O-r472nTlBkus1i7ng/s320/Basil_nice.sized.jpg" /></a></div> <br />
... will no longer grace these html pages.*<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wN1eYW617uw">Didn't we almost have it all</a>, Blogger? If you hadn't gone all Bobby Brown on me --<br />
<br />
No.<br />
<br />
This is not the place for that. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSz16ngdsG0">I will remember you</a>, for better or worse.<br />
<br />
And so, without further ado, I say goodbye.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">your teardrops scar like shrapnel</div><div style="text-align: center;">lonely fragments pierce my skin</div><div style="text-align: center;">i'll bet i'll find them</div><div style="text-align: center;">still, years later</div><div style="text-align: center;">embedded next to all my sins<br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: center;"><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/3jfVPM3IMVs&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/3jfVPM3IMVs&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></div><div style="text-align: left;"> </div><div style="text-align: left;">-----</div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: small;">*Not that I'm disappearing from the interwebs. Find me from now on at <span style="font-weight: bold;"><a href="http://francobeans.com/">francobeans.com</a></span>. And I would've just redirected you there, if I could. But I can't; not between hosts. So, I won't delete this blog for at least the week.</span></div>bradhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03612814178749943116noreply@blogger.com30tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730568103299656002.post-81655506102342513222009-01-12T10:25:00.000-05:002009-01-12T10:26:57.988-05:00Obama's Chili BowlIt's 10:30 am. Do you know where your Obama is?<br />
<br />
I'm sure you've all heard by now that he stopped by <a href="http://www.benschilibowl.com/">Ben's</a> on <a href="http://www.nbcwashington.com/news/local/Obama-Fenty-Stop-by-Bens-Chili-Bowl.html">Saturday</a>.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8aPlz7eIX0SE32ciPBQ9ewlTwznc8byp229u8wOgjXm74M9eD9ukDe-husE-LQcwKRs-Mgd6wMM5dMQlzgH_-YkS5V7D9zjXK2boLgfhXTYbnL6zyc1OlC2qRXRhiDFUUkZ9QEI8XdkRu/s1600-h/011009+Obama+Chili+Bowl.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8aPlz7eIX0SE32ciPBQ9ewlTwznc8byp229u8wOgjXm74M9eD9ukDe-husE-LQcwKRs-Mgd6wMM5dMQlzgH_-YkS5V7D9zjXK2boLgfhXTYbnL6zyc1OlC2qRXRhiDFUUkZ9QEI8XdkRu/s320/011009+Obama+Chili+Bowl.jpg" /></a></div><br />
The most important details of that trip?<br />
<br />
1. He had a half-smoke.<br />
2. He knew to carry cash (Ben's doesn't take cards).<br />
3. When he got back to the privacy of his temp-home bathroom, he used two-ply, ultra soft Charmin.<br />
<br />
Why is this huge for me?<br />
<br />
Because I've stood in that spot, held a bag of wonderfully greasy food, <span style="font-style: italic;">and</span> paid in cash.<br />
<br />
Now, I've never received an ovation. But it's only because no one knows who the balls I am. This is because despite what happened <a href="http://aijuswanawrite.blogspot.com/2009/01/no-one-reads-posts-on-fridays.html">last Friday</a>, in public I wear the mask of the greatest mouse detective who ever lived --<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6xRzld_cr56hA4MjZdRZyPMOOyJ0lzF2iH2S9bwOGOj3Aq4on65KnEINTkMmY9CCmzoUkAl9NMEolT-x-ukAXiEkTi_jaquWN-FH-PqHjSKi543w9DEteGRHtRSvb2_t8J2gW7cnN33ub/s1600-h/Basil_in_style.sized.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6xRzld_cr56hA4MjZdRZyPMOOyJ0lzF2iH2S9bwOGOj3Aq4on65KnEINTkMmY9CCmzoUkAl9NMEolT-x-ukAXiEkTi_jaquWN-FH-PqHjSKi543w9DEteGRHtRSvb2_t8J2gW7cnN33ub/s320/Basil_in_style.sized.jpg" /></a></div><br />
-- and so people tend to scream and shoo at me with brooms.<br />
<br />
<br />
But what you may not have known is that in my very own sketchy, <a href="http://www.giantfood.com/our_stores/locator/store_details.htm?storeNumber=0376">local Giant</a>, Obama also endorses <a href="http://www.jonessoda.com/">Jones Pure Cane Soda</a>:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGDKHJueTY3BVXIBnCRq5bhEcWAktnRbaqemkWNvUKoVm9v15ZgSJdbWa6ysGvOYWxpKVjZ0pq-p4FpB5pCploQcQfJa2q-A47E8PUk2RuFxfmLKcXZ0PTDt9NfapXCwif50SSSu9xnGdP/s1600-h/IMG_0504.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGDKHJueTY3BVXIBnCRq5bhEcWAktnRbaqemkWNvUKoVm9v15ZgSJdbWa6ysGvOYWxpKVjZ0pq-p4FpB5pCploQcQfJa2q-A47E8PUk2RuFxfmLKcXZ0PTDt9NfapXCwif50SSSu9xnGdP/s400/IMG_0504.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">"Orange 'you glad for change?'"</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Well fig yeah, I am. <span style="font-style: italic;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2AU-kAnB24I"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">This sh*t is</span> bananas</a> </span>.</div>bradhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03612814178749943116noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730568103299656002.post-30758051896572348412009-01-09T07:30:00.007-05:002009-01-09T17:30:28.261-05:00no one reads posts on Fridays--<br />
<i>Edit: It's official. I'm moving to WordPress. I have no idea why a Google-uploaded video won't embed on a Google-backed blog. So it's over Blogger. We are now in the "you want the house, I just want to be free, just send me the divorce papers, I've started singing Gloria Gaynor songs" phase. And so if the first video below doesn't load, search Google video for "f.B lost his pants" or go <a href="http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3691753641715025445">here</a>. Sorry about that.</i><br />
--<br />
<br />
<br />
So here goes...<br />
<br />
As a reclusive blogger, I was so unbelievably nervous doing this that I decided I should spruce up the ol' mouth and pop in a breath mint. Not only is that a useless idea -- because you're an entire <span style="font-style: italic;">interweb</span> away from me -- but it's also a horrible idea to eat a mint while talking into a camera. <span style="font-style: italic;">Horrible</span>. The mint was lip-smackingly delicious. And therein lies the rub: a video interspersed with me trying not to drool breath mint juice and saliva onto myself.<br />
<br />
With that..<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/lKpsPulxkRc&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/lKpsPulxkRc&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></div> <br />
<br />
I couldn't find that allergy commercial. But you couldn't possibly want anymore video content in this post anyway, right?<br />
<div style="text-align: left;"> </div><div style="text-align: left;">Ok.</div><div style="text-align: left;"> </div><div style="text-align: left;">Because I care:</div><div style="text-align: left;"> </div><div style="text-align: center;"><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/p3uZhh4HpKI&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/p3uZhh4HpKI&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></div>bradhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03612814178749943116noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730568103299656002.post-13348147976466933012009-01-08T08:23:00.002-05:002009-01-08T08:30:15.148-05:00simply jane<div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">she screams in darkness</div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">'cause whispers are familiar</div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">scares me half to death</div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">just trying to remember how to feel</div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">steals what she can get for free</div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">'cause drama's worth the price</div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">and sleepwalks this abduction</div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">like she's been trapped for life</div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">but when she laughs</div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">you see what she hides</div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">even chameleons let their guards down once or twice</div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">she thinks these urban shadows are where she's meant to be</div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">but there's no disguise that's fooling me</div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;">'cause i know</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;">there's no escape for her</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;">when she feels she needs one most.</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;">that a shattered life ain't mended</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;">by, god the friendly ghost.</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;">she plays a role she hates on stage</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;">for popcorn crowds in evening wear.</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;">but i love the her they're scared to see</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;">simply Jane when she's with me</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">on command she's song and dance</div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">'cause protest albums don't pay rent these days</div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">heels tap, to bugled taps for dreams</div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">pushed way back on the shelf</div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">that shooting star always aims at someone else</div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">but when she laughs</div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">you see what she hides</div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">even chameleons let their guards down once or twice</div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">she thinks these urban shadows are where she's meant to be</div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">but there's no disguise that's fooling me</div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;">'cause i know</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;">there's no escape for her</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;">when she feels she needs one most.</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;">and that a shattered life ain't mended</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;">by, god the friendly ghost.</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;">she plays a role she hates on stage</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;">for popcorn crowds in evening wear.</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;">but i love the her they're scared to see</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;">simply Jane when she's with me</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">and she cries</div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">'cause i can't rescue her from living</div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">though i've tried to break the spell</div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">and she cries</div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">'cause there's no where to run from living</div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">though i've tried to break the spell<br />
<br />
</div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16px;"></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Georgia; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Georgia; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Georgia; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16px;"></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Georgia; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;">and i know</span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Georgia; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;">there's no escape for her</span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Georgia; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;">when she feels she needs one most.</span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Georgia; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;">and that a shattered life ain't mended</span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Georgia; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;">by, god the friendly ghost.</span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Georgia; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;">she plays a role she hates on stage</span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Georgia; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;">for popcorn crowds in evening wear.</span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Georgia; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;">but i love the her they're scared to see</span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Georgia; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;">simply Jane when she's with me</span></div>bradhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03612814178749943116noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730568103299656002.post-45928680052659020822009-01-07T07:42:00.009-05:002009-01-07T08:27:13.086-05:00lost in translationI sat down last night to write something you'd be proud of.<br />
<br />
But I was out of my element. I didn't have my Mc'Book in front of me. I panicked.<br />
<br />
Now before you judge -- wait, no; actually, I'll pause to give you sufficient time to do so<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzuSF5xDgDcfO0jXF_pS1T3aGqdORVp7ZX__5_1UMVxLSh7KCdcGABTNuK7eRonhVjxtYSOTHsPBa-xP1pZwAXgQZgR_Q9DjClp46d49XwASWAb5DOOBC4bZ9QFNXYmMrDttr4jjYFQqYZ/s1600-h/clock-close-up-ticking.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzuSF5xDgDcfO0jXF_pS1T3aGqdORVp7ZX__5_1UMVxLSh7KCdcGABTNuK7eRonhVjxtYSOTHsPBa-xP1pZwAXgQZgR_Q9DjClp46d49XwASWAb5DOOBC4bZ9QFNXYmMrDttr4jjYFQqYZ/s200/clock-close-up-ticking.jpg" /></a></div> <br />
-- I actually had two really good reasons.<br />
<br />
<br />
1. A twist on the cliche: my computer is my journal.<br />
<br />
I've always laughed at the idea that clicking my fingertips could ever get me back to Kansas.* I have easily a dozen real, made-from-tree, notebooks bedside. And I've convinced myself that someday, my thoughts will be back in print as regularly as they're in html. Naturally, this meant I held my keyboard in low regard. Until last night, when I realized that my brain had become so rewired that using any other keyboard was impossible. I just stared at the screen; for hours. I blinked a few times, but that was as far as I got. But the important point <span style="font-style: italic;">for you...</span><br />
<br />
<br />
2. You've been looking at this blog.<br />
<br />
Uh huh. You have. And I just learned that last night. You see, a few months ago, finally removed from nearly a decade of school, I started to post more frequently. I changed my theme to match the newly-fueled effort.<br />
<br />
Well, I thought I did.<br />
<br />
Apparently, my theme -- the one I researched color palettes for and everything -- looks only barely like I had planned if you're reading this on a PC.<br />
<br />
Now, now.<br />
<br />
I know.<br />
<br />
But this isn't a<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/drdUTZUc3vQ&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/drdUTZUc3vQ&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></div> <br />
<br />
It really isn't. The point is that for the last few months, I thought we were really getting to know each other; that we had developed an understanding that went beyond words, that included not just the tapestry but the heart that went into making it.<br />
<br />
Let me pull back on the Hallmark sensibility.<br />
<br />
I thought we were speaking the same language, one punctuated by the backdrop of this theme. But last night I discovered that while I thought we were both fluid in the same native tongue, it seems instead that you speak German, I speak Polish and the appearance of this blog means we're actually just making-do in auxiliary <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Esperanto">Esperanto</a><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUTRIWBtD3HwTjKw5KvK6CBhYUM4qXYhUbrG2iZMmb5oqCew7kfpBydWh8Dma0zptw9645NyJcH52B5g8Z_5-STK_-nf1TitkNv2m4QPF7S-pbKcWBGaEJyYJCnSXmYdGFam0zGxM3e1N-/s1600-h/41KM3DEQSZL._SL500_AA240_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUTRIWBtD3HwTjKw5KvK6CBhYUM4qXYhUbrG2iZMmb5oqCew7kfpBydWh8Dma0zptw9645NyJcH52B5g8Z_5-STK_-nf1TitkNv2m4QPF7S-pbKcWBGaEJyYJCnSXmYdGFam0zGxM3e1N-/s200/41KM3DEQSZL._SL500_AA240_.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<br />
Don't believe me? Borrow someone else's laptop. The font in the header is different, there are no side panels flanking the main body... And if you have no idea what I'm talking about there: <span style="font-style: italic;">exactly</span>.<br />
<br />
So.<br />
<br />
I've been thinking about making some changes around here, the least of which is thematic, the biggest of which is moving to WordPress. It's not a promise -- though of course, you'd be of the first to know -- but this whole "things aren't as they seem" way of living isn't good for any of us.<br />
<br />
I will do better. I <span style="font-style: italic;">must</span> do better.**<br />
<br />
----<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">*Not really from Kansas, just creatively plugging a little, barely successful movie.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">*I will try...?</span>bradhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03612814178749943116noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730568103299656002.post-82000475621983990432009-01-06T07:57:00.001-05:002009-01-06T07:58:35.321-05:00f.B's Believe it or Not!<a href="http://news.yahoo.com/s/hsn/20081229/hl_hsn/manyteensdontkeepvirginitypledges">Many teens don't keep virginity pledges</a>.<br />
<br />
You don't say.<br />
<br />
<br />
--<br />
<span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-size: small;">Before I continue, I considered issuing a "mea culpa" to anyone this topic might offend. Truthfully, however, it's only about the </span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: small;">idea</span></span><span style="font-size: small;"> that highly-hormonal teenagers can be convinced that sex outside of religiously-sanctioned coupling is on par with murder, as far as eternal damnation goes. And since an </span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: small;">idea</span></span><span style="font-size: small;"> is one of the few beings in the world that doesn't have feelings or fight back, I enjoy bullying one when it gets cocky.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-size: small;">I now return to our regularly scheduled programming.</span></span><br />
--<br />
<br />
<br />
You mean to tell me that teens -- people who generally can't really afford to go out and can't buy cars, and therefore often end up hanging out at each others' homes with nowhere to go but to the bottom of that cheap bottle of vodka and gallon of orange juice -- shack up like rabbits when the parents are away, <span style="font-style: italic;">even when they promise to be on their best behavior?</span><br />
<br />
Consider my<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0IQX7YmNi2GmrIM_le_sz3_RI1HZQFrQSmZt0i3w77PrhmZimoAGoIA30aLswycaZRc2TXdloPWi7b5FWuMT30SP_TEjeEAaeReu6ygP6w3dVWoy1Iit7yKFKwLRXPDtYkMLy2U57SjTD/s1600-h/wet_brain.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0IQX7YmNi2GmrIM_le_sz3_RI1HZQFrQSmZt0i3w77PrhmZimoAGoIA30aLswycaZRc2TXdloPWi7b5FWuMT30SP_TEjeEAaeReu6ygP6w3dVWoy1Iit7yKFKwLRXPDtYkMLy2U57SjTD/s200/wet_brain.jpg" /></a></div> <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2RpIugYh6plb_2ctlLf42qGoQulgZr5glzSPj024gNfbePPESgf0CY5GFHV8n7P1i2eGZviS_etT0tkd9oAAP_P3mug23eEJYS5EGpRR3NNFoz0_5Vqa2QJKZtcaywscGUdaVBCekX7NG/s1600-h/blow.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2RpIugYh6plb_2ctlLf42qGoQulgZr5glzSPj024gNfbePPESgf0CY5GFHV8n7P1i2eGZviS_etT0tkd9oAAP_P3mug23eEJYS5EGpRR3NNFoz0_5Vqa2QJKZtcaywscGUdaVBCekX7NG/s320/blow.jpg" /></a></div><br />
You know what this means, right? This means there are teenage boys out there that lie. about. sex. Before, we thought it was just about to <span style="font-style: italic;">whom</span> they gave the HBI*. Well now, apparently, they even lie about whether they give it <span style="font-style: italic;">at all</span>.<br />
<br />
Whoa.<br />
<br />
Word.<br />
<br />
I, very personally, am dismayed. Based on her not-at-all-stereotypical proclivity for telling nothing but the truth about money, I entrusted a 13 year-old cousin with one of my credit cards. She pledged to only use it in emergencies. So, what? You're saying she took my card and rented a room for her and a desperate-to-be-beneficial friend?<br />
<br />
Of course she did. So would/did we. Because underneath the classically pimply facades, teens are volcanic assortments of unfulfilled desire. In fact, nine years ago, in preparation for this very post, I looked deep into a 17 year old friend's soul and I took a picture. I still can't reveal that picture's location because it is too deviant to share. Think<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1PJon2_p7NMPoIMH3-Mfj6mixZ6rblkgntHtHO2vbKtTywmJirxUlwQLRZfeZTwqbNqHl2gxFQ11dpHgiWX1QpCniRLfxag3RgN17hdTNwEasM_by_520GaGJGjOHcE-11ZF2KaDLiDpl/s1600-h/catherine-zeta-jones.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1PJon2_p7NMPoIMH3-Mfj6mixZ6rblkgntHtHO2vbKtTywmJirxUlwQLRZfeZTwqbNqHl2gxFQ11dpHgiWX1QpCniRLfxag3RgN17hdTNwEasM_by_520GaGJGjOHcE-11ZF2KaDLiDpl/s200/catherine-zeta-jones.jpg" /></a></div> <br />
<div style="text-align: center;">+</div><div style="text-align: center;"> </div><div style="text-align: center;">emo Sponge Bob</div><div style="text-align: center;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEnS8RlvxlvMLzDOPjgQSfc3MtVcAwlz5llrGsAHi7PDnotSQ1e0ze3_VtM2u6Ee9DdMEd1Zo0ReFphKGw7cktCNt2JBB5IGaxe0frezlYVqL8fLAy_0ahC1GItEByI8aS3EHMPfYuePb_/s1600-h/Emo-Sponge-Bob.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEnS8RlvxlvMLzDOPjgQSfc3MtVcAwlz5llrGsAHi7PDnotSQ1e0ze3_VtM2u6Ee9DdMEd1Zo0ReFphKGw7cktCNt2JBB5IGaxe0frezlYVqL8fLAy_0ahC1GItEByI8aS3EHMPfYuePb_/s200/Emo-Sponge-Bob.jpg" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"> </div><div style="text-align: center;">+</div><div style="text-align: center;"> </div><div style="text-align: center;">super-thick molasses</div><div style="text-align: center;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBzd88p6dfSXb3QXsKEhA-3txK76nsK4SjHJSd-zswjc-O9UEcZ1RQA4Gwd7WBu4CXwv11byxJmCOtouxb1k2tymhAN-spUowpw31tFcaGa1RwJIQtFcIsTIjbpQBblJYib8aQtKrEu2DG/s1600-h/molasses.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBzd88p6dfSXb3QXsKEhA-3txK76nsK4SjHJSd-zswjc-O9UEcZ1RQA4Gwd7WBu4CXwv11byxJmCOtouxb1k2tymhAN-spUowpw31tFcaGa1RwJIQtFcIsTIjbpQBblJYib8aQtKrEu2DG/s320/molasses.jpg" />.</a></div><div style="text-align: center;"> </div><div style="text-align: left;">It was like an oil spill on the set of <span style="font-style: italic;">The Soup</span>.</div><div style="text-align: left;"> </div><div style="text-align: left;">Anyway, the editorialized point? We buy great clothes, and shoes, and so many different fragrances that walking into a bar on any night after 7 can smell like walking into a Sephora. And we convince ourselves that we're <span style="font-style: italic;">so</span> far removed from those naked, crotch-sniffing animals we watch on Discovery. We insist that what makes us better is that we can choose not to wallow in the wild and rather step into a pristine myopia, when one of the most relaxing things about this thing called life is that <span style="font-style: italic;">we can choose to wallow</span>; we're not slaves to our instincts.</div><div style="text-align: left;"> </div><div style="text-align: left;">Teens definitely need some guidance,** but the lies we've told about sex -- that it should be demonized or done politely before you each return to matching twin beds -- aren't that. Our guidance should be as responsible as the behavior we encourage.</div><div style="text-align: left;"> </div><div style="text-align: left;">I've done my fair share of things to be embarrassed about (you've read about <a href="http://aijuswanawrite.blogspot.com/2008/11/puddled-past.html">one</a> or <a href="http://aijuswanawrite.blogspot.com/2008/12/take-on-me-take-me-on.html">two</a>). But thinking it's really amazing that we can safely play "naked, crotch-sniffing animals," or cop<span style="font-style: italic;">s</span>-and-robber, or <span style="font-style: italic;">what.</span><span style="font-style: italic;">ever</span><span style="font-style: italic;">, </span>without the permission of any institution? Yeah, proud of that.</div> <br />
<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">*Hot beef injection.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">**I get my </span><a href="http://draft.blogger.com/goog_1231108196450"><span style="font-size: small;">lessons from </span></a><span style="font-style: italic;"><a href="http://aijuswanawrite.blogspot.com/2007/01/last-time-on-meerkat-manor.html"><span style="font-size: small;">Meerkat Manor</span></a></span><span style="font-size: small;">.</span>bradhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03612814178749943116noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730568103299656002.post-33198954415089530152009-01-05T08:15:00.007-05:002009-01-05T08:19:17.932-05:00slaughter for twoPartner in "might as well stay inside" habitualism -- Miss Bianca<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPLxfas3HYG3TCWeOuOdcD6P2oCvjY9VD2HuYPr4vlZDrHH9HWZqtNAPGFs17CCFNiMd1u8SFMQbRGfv89Qebd-x5aMwXeDPwdWLzZsnozKwzDu_kMFWpWfqOqTJGoeu90_Ps1VDxPkgP9/s1600-h/rescuers089ix.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPLxfas3HYG3TCWeOuOdcD6P2oCvjY9VD2HuYPr4vlZDrHH9HWZqtNAPGFs17CCFNiMd1u8SFMQbRGfv89Qebd-x5aMwXeDPwdWLzZsnozKwzDu_kMFWpWfqOqTJGoeu90_Ps1VDxPkgP9/s200/rescuers089ix.jpg" /></a></div> <br />
-- and I decided to throw caution to the wind and abandon the great indoors, on Saturday.<br />
<br />
Right before "the end of the world as I know it"* began, we went over, sideways and under on a magic carpet ride (read: we walked; I "made believe") to<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBMP6HTS6XzPvMTcLqMSC90yyaUZu4FlCGT-j5eDfmKT_YcqhUWE7kmLB_B7VCqYd6E2iHXw8WYhc8F5Z6qfV2oGPsjIMdrt6VkFXovqqie__-ENEpUzrYgC9FLoxODOGZmhPk1oBHQXo9/s1600-h/113200_duffys_opening_001.20081218005013.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBMP6HTS6XzPvMTcLqMSC90yyaUZu4FlCGT-j5eDfmKT_YcqhUWE7kmLB_B7VCqYd6E2iHXw8WYhc8F5Z6qfV2oGPsjIMdrt6VkFXovqqie__-ENEpUzrYgC9FLoxODOGZmhPk1oBHQXo9/s320/113200_duffys_opening_001.20081218005013.jpg" />.</a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div>Now <a href="http://www.duffysdc.com/">Duffy's</a>, is no<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhk1JdFDDPI-Pqa8vsj_0CoycxQoumKwDUvuUbA0ZpYyMUY5nf11NMaxg4gKw5ROaunUt3tvfVUOSHEA4m2p5rjaLgZnVQ50IU6bAgqlIWayJo7KZJY8qP9OBEsr0MWqCZgcdSoYFoXdMoX/s1600-h/146643.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhk1JdFDDPI-Pqa8vsj_0CoycxQoumKwDUvuUbA0ZpYyMUY5nf11NMaxg4gKw5ROaunUt3tvfVUOSHEA4m2p5rjaLgZnVQ50IU6bAgqlIWayJo7KZJY8qP9OBEsr0MWqCZgcdSoYFoXdMoX/s320/146643.jpg" /></a></div> <br />
-- since there's this one server who looks at me, every time I walk in the door, like I gave her puppy the swift punt in the ass that Jack Black gave to Baxter in <span style="font-style: italic;">Anchorman</span> -- but it's a neighborhood bar, close to the 9:30 Club and has absolutely no complaints when its patrons want to relax and be unimpressive.<br />
<br />
Despite watching the Cardinals win, the afternoon was cool:<br />
<br />
<ol><li><span style="font-weight: bold;">We ate cheesy tater tots!</span><br />
</li>
<li><span style="font-weight: bold;">I displayed the savoir faire of a young Don Imus:</span> When our server said she was just glad the Detroit Lions season was over, I remarked how glad I was that they went 0 and 16. Then, when she slipped in that she was from Michigan and expressed hope that at least it couldn't get worse, I pounded her subtlety with my ignorance and promptly informed her that the 1976 Tampa Bay Bucs went 0-14 and then came back the next year and lost 12 more in a row, promising her it sure as hell <span style="font-style: italic;">could</span> get worse.</li>
<li>And for the first time <span style="font-style: italic;">ever</span>, <span style="font-weight: bold;">I emptied a keg</span>** of my favorite,</li>
</ol><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHRbRDHeJe1yl0-KP7KvLJad6H8liXq4rhQJLqwetnDJ_Xw4WNXz9eCtIn7n3Dx0sqW28YwRHuiuCwbaBY6vw2nKJgw0eFcJp9AcPXXxKzjcbJ-EbV-xTl9MzfJ_o5lWMkZ2bpAToOWHgs/s1600-h/IMG_0474.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHRbRDHeJe1yl0-KP7KvLJad6H8liXq4rhQJLqwetnDJ_Xw4WNXz9eCtIn7n3Dx0sqW28YwRHuiuCwbaBY6vw2nKJgw0eFcJp9AcPXXxKzjcbJ-EbV-xTl9MzfJ_o5lWMkZ2bpAToOWHgs/s320/IMG_0474.JPG" />.</a></div> <br />
But then there was this guy:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5McPku8QRpnwRJKZmp_nBm7aoG8_m33RJUF6eQihAyXcqtMrTf20zw2D46fE4_XSG_FnKdzQrFcb5pYskuhUAZCW29J5fHltgZ3-wL_Ln54pFpHYYF4Nuxa-SYxPqzPxOYBaGCkjRnFmY/s1600-h/IMG_0476.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5McPku8QRpnwRJKZmp_nBm7aoG8_m33RJUF6eQihAyXcqtMrTf20zw2D46fE4_XSG_FnKdzQrFcb5pYskuhUAZCW29J5fHltgZ3-wL_Ln54pFpHYYF4Nuxa-SYxPqzPxOYBaGCkjRnFmY/s320/IMG_0476.JPG" />.</a></div> <br />
We sat at a table directly across from an arcade game, <a href="http://www.buckhuntergame.com/">Big Buck Hunter</a>. And this guy, as you can see above -- fake orange rifle in black-gloved-hands -- spent the better part of an hour, blasting virtual creatures.<br />
<br />
"Now, f.B," you acknowledge, "you've never mentioned that you had a PETA card."<br />
<br />
And I don't. But what I do have is a heart. And it unapologetically ached when I'd take a bite of my Duffy burger, look up to the left, and watch this guy air-gage pumping the sh*t out of unsuspecting little "dee-yas."***<br />
<br />
It was like watching the special features on <span style="font-style: italic;">Bambi: Uncut and Unforgiving</span>.<br />
<br />
Then came the squealing: he was shelling gophers. Cuddly gophers. And they would squeal when hit with a bullet in the face. The screen read: "Number of gophers shot - 23 of 25." Oh, to be one of the maimed and gimpy two, I guess.<br />
<br />
Then my stomach dropped. Upon reaching the status of "Hunter Hero," he got to some bonus round that let him go trap shooting. But, of course, he wasn't shooting at clay discs.<br />
<blockquote><span style="font-weight: bold;">me</span>: are those flying cowpies?</blockquote><blockquote><span style="font-weight: bold;">miss bianca</span>: *aghast*</blockquote>He was shooting flying cowpies; flying formerly-known-as-food balls.<br />
<br />
We didn't stay much longer. In all honesty, it had little to do with the master blaster. He ended up running out of bloodlust before we were done. We had to return the magic carpet (translation: [none] you read that right. And you thought I was kidding about the carpet).<br />
<br />
Anyway, this post could never get this blog confused as a <a href="http://lemmonex.com/">food</a> or <a href="http://restaurantrefugee.com/">restaurant</a> blog of merit. So, think of it more as a theory on why we don't get around much anymore.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">*The division rival Arizona Cardinals hosted a home playoff game.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">**Apparently Duffy's carries 2-pint-sized kegs, since after two Stellas, there was none left </span><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-size: small;">in the whole bar</span></span><span style="font-size: small;">.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">***I'm guessing they didn't care </span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pq2EurArgDk"><span style="font-size: small;">what kind of pants</span></a><span style="font-size: small;"> the son of a b$tch who shot them was wearing, either.</span>bradhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03612814178749943116noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730568103299656002.post-27231619442342112182008-12-31T11:01:00.000-05:002008-12-31T11:01:58.998-05:00on the last night of the year...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbVflkB48_vN06j90kLjVTTQhmVOQoQfwcBrcdiaoe3FUT6bxDYFqu9x5_gm5BpkVAsEcVe6-aAsnU1rxilwixNolbQ3BFVVQZBckashLXcjKs0l162pBGffh4IMcSo7a1pyO4C0qzxOuL/s1600-h/001wtf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbVflkB48_vN06j90kLjVTTQhmVOQoQfwcBrcdiaoe3FUT6bxDYFqu9x5_gm5BpkVAsEcVe6-aAsnU1rxilwixNolbQ3BFVVQZBckashLXcjKs0l162pBGffh4IMcSo7a1pyO4C0qzxOuL/s400/001wtf.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Stop laughing. That could be you tonight.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Don't believe me? Neither did these people:</div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/qwVa06LSlxk&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en&feature=player_embedded&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/qwVa06LSlxk&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en&feature=player_embedded&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
... and look what happened to them.<br />
<br />
Remember that whole "<a href="http://aijuswanawrite.blogspot.com/2008/12/spaceballs.html">we think beyond our means.... there are ... boundaries for our talents</a>" bit the other day? Well, it's never truer than when we dance. And tonight we'll have more reasons to flail arms and stubbornly kick feet than on any other night of the year.<br />
<br />
But you know that guy who always shows up on nights like tonight? The guy who'll punctuate every greeting with <a href="http://rockcreekrambler.squarespace.com/news/2006/3/27/dont-touch-me.html">frotteurism</a> and insisting you party like it's 1999 (<span style="font-style: italic;">tip: he might look like this</span>*)...<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEic8bfm-MnDIQMgx7wmpiJTqAfeqsAK0kXKQ5W7tC_sEbAFXLDxTQFF8H9lHMaYALtvOG1iF-gLWllPJTC9seBBekmrlrpj2LSBc275fWJoYcmWI1fqXt1b7MuC5kp8042vep0dHnVGGb2n/s1600-h/creepy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEic8bfm-MnDIQMgx7wmpiJTqAfeqsAK0kXKQ5W7tC_sEbAFXLDxTQFF8H9lHMaYALtvOG1iF-gLWllPJTC9seBBekmrlrpj2LSBc275fWJoYcmWI1fqXt1b7MuC5kp8042vep0dHnVGGb2n/s320/creepy.jpg" /></a></div><br />
Don't fall into his trap. Don't become prime material for Google images.<br />
<br />
"But f.B, you <span style="font-style: italic;">handsome</span> devil," you say, "how can I avoid the inevitable?"<br />
<br />
Easy. 3-step program.<br />
<br />
<br />
1. For most of us, this<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJwvCkCe3iTn9gTsCFmt_j-ee3TV9boSK7lA4gEYSrBMT0FYa-LTccGKfJGaBoNEbCkkLNBYKzKsYbrJSWfSvBYbyQWgGZx5eNN8yS-lXEuahzHBCw5Fx0KmnpU05-rsaDkgiJ37-ZKIUD/s1600-h/latin-1.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJwvCkCe3iTn9gTsCFmt_j-ee3TV9boSK7lA4gEYSrBMT0FYa-LTccGKfJGaBoNEbCkkLNBYKzKsYbrJSWfSvBYbyQWgGZx5eNN8yS-lXEuahzHBCw5Fx0KmnpU05-rsaDkgiJ37-ZKIUD/s400/latin-1.gif" /></a></div><br />
... is not our life; not even metaphorically. So forget this picture existed. Because you can't recreate it. And if you're just so sure you can and just so sure you're much more talented than me, know that on a night like tonight, the dance floor will look more like your metro commute<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDHB07QVTxo_dpPazMzRsWVGzVqhqVR0DjBw76kR5kehV1F-D3uu8iDzx45jfIyf3CcguteR_R1GQUtnPK36vsf7ms2rLMbPrDP2USaUURjFoNhCHDaBHAikPYxiN1ArWsrxXoH5NnYroc/s1600-h/610x.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDHB07QVTxo_dpPazMzRsWVGzVqhqVR0DjBw76kR5kehV1F-D3uu8iDzx45jfIyf3CcguteR_R1GQUtnPK36vsf7ms2rLMbPrDP2USaUURjFoNhCHDaBHAikPYxiN1ArWsrxXoH5NnYroc/s400/610x.jpg" />.</a></div> <span style="font-size: small;">Reuters</span> <br />
<br />
<br />
2. Two-step. Like you never have before.**<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYE9HWb4QNm0yJ5TZ69f4YqGGkthl_JyRsTrcmkSJ3PumBMjIlEhjmDeSVl75SdV1Hv0sWen3Wa95atrn0X-I8wAfYf1tRhAA8QP2fGHfGonMiI6-WIXx-ME6NwbJLwd7jisiQIjRXotju/s1600-h/GalapagosTwoStep.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYE9HWb4QNm0yJ5TZ69f4YqGGkthl_JyRsTrcmkSJ3PumBMjIlEhjmDeSVl75SdV1Hv0sWen3Wa95atrn0X-I8wAfYf1tRhAA8QP2fGHfGonMiI6-WIXx-ME6NwbJLwd7jisiQIjRXotju/s320/GalapagosTwoStep.jpg" /></a></div> <span style="font-size: small;">John Sill</span><br />
<br />
Yes you can cross one foot in front of the other if a pseudo-salsa is your thing. That's fine. Do you. Just do it like it's a job interview, because any employer you'd want to work for knows what the YouTube is.<br />
<br />
<br />
3. Ignore everything I just said. Grind your hips; against your date, the wall, someone else's date, whatever you can find. It's the last night of the year. Treat 2008 like Vegas and know that the best way to stave off humiliation is knowing that everyone else is humiliating themselves, too.<br />
<br />
I'm gonna be sifting through your blogs again come Friday. And I wanna see footage of you and your buds performing creative interpretations of the following booty shaking classic:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/vGjmDTvuNLM&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/vGjmDTvuNLM&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>.</div> <br />
<br />
Happy New Year!<br />
<br />
<br />
-----<br />
*Dear guy's lawyers: Not that this actual guy has or would ever do something like that.<br />
**Try the <span style="font-style: italic;">Galapagos</span> two-step.</div>bradhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03612814178749943116noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730568103299656002.post-77105569943032721572008-12-30T08:45:00.004-05:002008-12-30T08:45:00.967-05:00can i get your nuts with that?Vince, the ShamWOW guy? Yeah, he's back.<br />
<br />
And this time I'm gonna stop pretending I don't want what he's selling. Mark my words: I will own a <a href="https://www.slapchop.com/ver5/index.asp">Slap Chop</a>.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/rUbWjIKxrrs&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/rUbWjIKxrrs&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></div><div style="text-align: center;"> <br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">"You're gonna love my nuts"<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">(at the 0:55 mark).</span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
Really, Vince? Why not just go with "My nuts taste better than my competitors?" Or, or "My nuts: they'll leave you satisfied?" Ooh! Or how about, "My nuts: accept no imitations?" And of course there's the classic, "Check out <a href="http://www.deesenuts.com/">dees nuts</a>."<br />
<br />
You know <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">exactly</span> what you're doing. I think you saw this<br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"></div><div style="text-align: center;"><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/-A9fmnAsgdg&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/-A9fmnAsgdg&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></div><div style="text-align: left;"></div><div style="text-align: left;"> </div><div style="text-align: left;">... and decided to be your own parody. And that earns you major points.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.asseenontvvideo.com/Billy-Mays.html">Billy Mays</a> would probably beat you up pretty badly in a fight. But your marketing genius would mean you could hire someone to stand in for you. Which would be awesome. Because it would leave your precious nuts intact.</div>bradhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03612814178749943116noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730568103299656002.post-48821432665246496912008-12-28T09:32:00.002-05:002008-12-29T21:50:18.085-05:00spaceballs<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: auto;"><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVWurA3st2BMNlKjlZubV_4fvkssdx7VC8gZvTqpTbiYuB0d97yoOkRh7BUBmsTxfgIliKhmpx9jafUrzEDDV1usrSRxh4utY087TJDiY1Z2E3aME0aPYH84beBBfAWiwlTHCYTWT3vb0w/s1600-h/winners-and-losers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVWurA3st2BMNlKjlZubV_4fvkssdx7VC8gZvTqpTbiYuB0d97yoOkRh7BUBmsTxfgIliKhmpx9jafUrzEDDV1usrSRxh4utY087TJDiY1Z2E3aME0aPYH84beBBfAWiwlTHCYTWT3vb0w/s320/winners-and-losers.jpg" /></a></div></div><div style="text-align: auto;"> </div><div style="text-align: left;"> </div><div style="text-align: left;">The Detroit Lions finished the season at 0-16. 0 and 16. Way to show up, guys.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">In honor of their professionalism, I went searching for a professional sports idea worse than having bought season tickets to Detroit's sideshow.<br />
<br />
I had only three rules:<br />
<ol><li>had to have been "born" in 2008</li>
<li>must be about sports</li>
<li>must suck.</li>
</ol><br />
I didn't have to try that hard.<br />
<br />
It turns out, some <a href="http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/08352/935526-115.stm">Carnegie Mellon engineering students</a> are developing technology to stuff GPS systems into game-official NFL footballs and gloves.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgboI3dSM1tdyjTc0o4xoeFFYL3hE5Louue4tN64dFEULlgKktR0qhCvtYI5itml1CVe9Bv3QG5c2e-4gjloss8J7RXoNnszG3bZzbhFJ-t9nuZr-dTk-I95ksEPxamGXcGeumlyF5PX_-Y/s1600-h/arush_cmu_footballtech02_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgboI3dSM1tdyjTc0o4xoeFFYL3hE5Louue4tN64dFEULlgKktR0qhCvtYI5itml1CVe9Bv3QG5c2e-4gjloss8J7RXoNnszG3bZzbhFJ-t9nuZr-dTk-I95ksEPxamGXcGeumlyF5PX_-Y/s320/arush_cmu_footballtech02_500.jpg" /></a></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11px; line-height: 11px;">Andrew Rush </span></div> <br />
They're also pushing to figure out how to equip them with motion sensor capability and an accelerometer to gage the speed of the ball.<br />
<br />
According to the brainchild, aside from the "obvious" officiating advantage it would offer in games, it would also help with scouting:<br />
<blockquote>"Suppose you've just lost your second-string quarter back. You'd love to be able to find out who can replace this person.... you could have whoever you're scouting wear these gloves and... ask, well, does he throw the same way under the same defensive schemes or does he run the same way and make the same kind of cuts as a terrific running back does?"</blockquote><br />
Uh huh.<br />
<br />
You see, sometimes we think beyond our means. This sounds harsh, I know, but there are limits to our imaginations and boundaries for our talents. We see it all the time. Like when this happened:*<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/m5LX16zia2k&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/m5LX16zia2k&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></div><br />
</div>I learned that you really just can't party all the time when I thought my greatest idea of 2007 was finding a way to already have the ketchup injected <span style="font-style: italic;">inside</span> the french fry by the time it got to my mouth. Culinary professional friends and family turned and walked away in silence (actually, even non-professionals thought it ridiculous). And I've come to understand why. Because it would be gross. Because you'd have deep-fried ketchup, or at best some congealed goo wrapped in potato. And so my best laid plans were actually the crayon markings of an idiot.<br />
<br />
I understand the worth of innovation. I do. But while instant replay was a step forward, auto-location services for footballs is a step into madness. I'm not a drone for tradition, but GPS-stuffed footballs -- like they're pregnant with Tom Toms -- just aren't enough of the change I can believe in to make me abandon the status quo. I like the old guard. It's fuzzy and familiar.<br />
<br />
When I was a kid, I thought I was gonna be the next Jerry Rice.** Sometimes I slept with a football next to me -- kind of like how we'd sleep with a book under our pillow when we hadn't studied enough, hoping to absorb some knowledge (except I slept with the ball out of love and not fear). It would have been freaking creepy if that ball was transmitting my location and how fast I rolled over in bed via satellite to anyone who wanted to know.<br />
<br />
And since that extended analogy makes no sense in the context of game-used footballs, just wait until it rains and electrocutes someone.<br />
<br />
And since that scenario is subject to being readily avoided by waterproofing, just know I don't have anything left other than an appeal to decency: I just don't want to watch a game with GPS footballs.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">*Fair enough. That was awesome. But an exception. I probably should've chosen something more in line with the rule. Like Karl Rove doing what someone <span style="font-style: italic;">told</span> him was rapping:</span><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/HxcuVlCuX9Y&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/HxcuVlCuX9Y&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></div><div style="text-align: left;"> </div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: small;">**Ignore the fact that mom refused to let me play football but let my little brother start playing when he was still in elementary school.</span></div>bradhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03612814178749943116noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730568103299656002.post-46801111795495494852008-12-23T11:43:00.001-05:002008-12-23T11:45:44.321-05:00keep it in your sack, Santa.I don't need to tell you what time of year it is.*<br />
<br />
And so let's just get straight to it, shall we?<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="color: #073763;">12 things I'd punch you in the face for giving me on Christmas</span></span></div><br />
<br />
12. <span style="font-weight: bold;">Something you got and hated</span>. I don't judge re-gifting. I judge treating me like a landfill. You're a pretty cool person; at least I think so. I mean, we hang out and stuff. So we have similar and overlapping likes. If you got something so bad you didn't even want to hide it in a box in your attic, giving it to me... well, you should know better.<br />
<br />
<br />
11. <span style="font-weight: bold;">The sweater</span>. This had to make this list. I don't really wear sweaters. I radiate heat like an equator-monkey during mating season. And so I probably will never wear it, but instead move it from apartment to apartment for years out of guilt, even if it's a sweater vest as awesomely bad as this:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.thedailygreen.com/green-homes/latest/ugly-christmas-sweaters-461208?src=syn&dom=yah_buzz&mag=tdg&ha=1"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNEFX01c8eU3MOpFISoc9gr-GWA51fc9fh-tk9EVopuCn9R2WYkZ6ipybmNVC6rtidwoxz-xJRTmCf5Aq930UVqznajgrcdNK2XzyLPbwgBogMN78rYH7abyVujomS5vlVnrPB4JJHfDkI/s320/sweater-vest-devil-lg.jpg" /> </a></div> <br />
<br />
10. <span style="font-weight: bold;">The untouchable</span> -- that means anything where the enjoyment of the gift is found in not touching it. I like gadgets, and doing and using. "Looking" is wonderful at times, but almost never for gifts that are surprises. For example, what about a painting to hang on the wall? Well, maybe. I'm cultured. But this kind of gift giving is a dangerous game. I'm finicky about interior decor.** And if the painting isn't something that really works, it might as well be a huge, used bean bag chair you thought qualified as "additional seating."<br />
<br />
<br />
9. <span style="font-weight: bold;">A skinny tie</span>.<br />
<br />
<br />
8. <span style="font-weight: bold;">Eight voicemails voicing</span>. I wish you a "Merry Christmas," too. But I'm with my family. It's our time -- probably one of few times a year -- to be with each other. I'm not checking my phone every hour. I'm just not. And this might last for a couple of days. So if I don't get back to you within a few hours, don't call me back at regular intervals until you bludgeon me with your ringtone into <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">finally making it stop</span> picking up the phone. I'll call. I promise.<br />
<br />
<br />
7. <span style="font-weight: bold;">Infomercial paraphernalia</span>. I've actually already been given a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzY7qQFij_M">Chia Pet</a> and the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XUOhjW2AXM">Clapper</a> in the last three years. I don't want something I can "set and forget," or a tube with a fork on the end that styles and cuts hair -- that's right, not the <a href="http://www.flowbee.com/">Flowbee</a>. Let me be clear: the <span style="font-style: italic;">commercials</span> are funny, not <span style="font-style: italic;">owning the product</span>.<br />
<br />
<br />
6. I love the show and I love my PS3. But I don't want -- well, I'll just show you the picture:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikIEBe9OoD9L96AQau5Ctc-2b9NxDiqch_fyjpA6qGsfRJ1hvQsS5hQA_JuuSPWIfR2k3EBezYqkHT-syaENs3O9YusftvxICv2sUZmpfItzI9_OpOh6178UQB50LCctbJg1JW7bNZG8dC/s1600-h/top-chef2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikIEBe9OoD9L96AQau5Ctc-2b9NxDiqch_fyjpA6qGsfRJ1hvQsS5hQA_JuuSPWIfR2k3EBezYqkHT-syaENs3O9YusftvxICv2sUZmpfItzI9_OpOh6178UQB50LCctbJg1JW7bNZG8dC/s200/top-chef2.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<br />
5. <span style="font-weight: bold;">The flu</span>. I've just got too much to do as soon as Christmas is over. I don't want, your germs.<br />
<br />
<br />
4. <span style="font-weight: bold;">CSI: Miami on DVD</span> (or in blu-ray, or in mpg for you "content-borrowers..."). Why? Everyone, unfortunately, slows up to watch a car wreck. But that show is the kind of colossal failure that deserves an analogy to the Titanic. And if I had been in position to slow up and watch the Titanic sink, I'd have been stranded at sea, or drowning in frigid water... I'd be in that "wishing for quick death" place. Plus, the air of self-loving, masturbation he wears on his face makes me sick.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGAkQrIGUNMFupAtQ5Kb-vbJ3zQAbeJzcNXSPlqkQcnOaYxTBg8ekZ25JgA4Pho96LM4K15Q0nEH2wrbL8YIMZvlHkBLNTvH5ld6sKA6HUeX92me7u28sesfVUSMAyNa4M3DYC5a7WqHHk/s1600-h/david-caruso-horatio-cain.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGAkQrIGUNMFupAtQ5Kb-vbJ3zQAbeJzcNXSPlqkQcnOaYxTBg8ekZ25JgA4Pho96LM4K15Q0nEH2wrbL8YIMZvlHkBLNTvH5ld6sKA6HUeX92me7u28sesfVUSMAyNa4M3DYC5a7WqHHk/s320/david-caruso-horatio-cain.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<br />
3. <span style="font-weight: bold;">A </span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Weird Al Yankovic album</span>. Any of them. I detest that man. Creative? Arguably. Entertaining? Balls no. I love music. I love remixes. I love covers. But "Amish Paradise?" I will shun you. I take pride in my music catalog. And simply accepting this as a gift would insult my impression of myself (<a href="http://aijuswanawrite.blogspot.com/2008/12/what-i-want-for-christmas.html">which is already in shambles</a>). So, no thank you, but no thank you.<br />
<br />
<br />
2. <span style="font-weight: bold;">Something -- actually, anything -- you think black people like</span>. I promise you: you are probably wrong. And if you happen to guess right, admitting I like your gift would mean I'd have to admit to being a stereotype -- which is something I might just deny on principle.***<br />
<br />
<br />
1. <span style="font-weight: bold;">Underwear aka vitals</span>.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicO32rm03BJ7TPCe6LN8W5MdYGZO3ltmOra7AjhwJ1WHuKzmm5X2N156WddqHIZhZ0gK6etPyP7Q6knhBNHnUF9_ErdBYPJ5TzwkjW9oXSd2CcvKTRL9YxWE2qmTPoRIXZTh9DK9oRggrM/s1600-h/Superman-Underwear-d.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicO32rm03BJ7TPCe6LN8W5MdYGZO3ltmOra7AjhwJ1WHuKzmm5X2N156WddqHIZhZ0gK6etPyP7Q6knhBNHnUF9_ErdBYPJ5TzwkjW9oXSd2CcvKTRL9YxWE2qmTPoRIXZTh9DK9oRggrM/s200/Superman-Underwear-d.jpg" /></a></div><br />
I have plenty. You also don't even know what kind of vitals I wear. Know how I know that? Because <span style="font-style: italic;">I</span> don't ask <span style="font-style: italic;">you</span> whether I prefer boxers or briefs. I already have this ever-critical information. Besides, depending on who you are, the real gift you give me when you give me a pack of necessaries is the realization that you're thinking about my nethers. So ask yourself, "Am I the kind of person he wants thinking about what he puts in his vitals?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
But seriously.. it's tough for pretty much everyone this year. So, be less concerned with what's in the boxes under the tree, or whether you even have a tree, and focus on finding the people you love and staying warm.<br />
<br />
Merry Christmas!<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">*Unless you live in DC, where it <span style="font-style: italic;">never</span> snows, and so you might just think it's still late fall, because the only chance we've got at a white Christmas is if Marion Barry is re-elected and makes it rain coke from the Verizon Center roof.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13px;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13px;">**Interior decor? I'm really not gonna get out of the shadow of yesterday's post, am I?</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13px;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13px;">***Unless it's the blu-ray version of <span style="font-style: italic;">I'm Gonna Git You Sucka</span>.</span>bradhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03612814178749943116noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730568103299656002.post-27526925477455210482008-12-22T09:45:00.002-05:002008-12-22T09:49:59.893-05:00what I want for ChristmasOnce upon a time, I was just a boy, sitting in front of a blog, asking it to love me.*<br />
<br />
Then I read <a href="http://www.livitluvit.com/2008/11/we-gotta-get-through-friday-afternoon.html">this</a>, which led me to <a href="http://www.typealyzer.com/">analyze my type</a> and <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">platinumize my body</span><a href="http://genderanalyzer.com/"> analyze my gender</a>.<br />
<br />
This was exactly one month ago yesterday. And it wasn't a good day.** Much to my surprise, I learned I was the following:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">A Performer</span></span></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizXeaV3PLwNypUkGjoRciDSXBzkpOPpW1YAmqbYplhCdsgaFGzec6PfNI9DKSZIgwYy1kv0FxlQRBJmNruu573EuDbMVq5Y8Ynu0WQVtmS1y_vkH1q9dAoZhDaSzvTRFz6DFf2Ocuu7CsI/s1600-h/ESFP.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizXeaV3PLwNypUkGjoRciDSXBzkpOPpW1YAmqbYplhCdsgaFGzec6PfNI9DKSZIgwYy1kv0FxlQRBJmNruu573EuDbMVq5Y8Ynu0WQVtmS1y_vkH1q9dAoZhDaSzvTRFz6DFf2Ocuu7CsI/s320/ESFP.gif" /></a></div><blockquote>A 56% "male" who performs in soft fabrics, bright colors and sweet smells while doing work that makes it hard to advance to management level positions.</blockquote><br />
I found that unsatisfactory. It felt like I was being more unisex than an <span style="font-style: italic;">Ally McBeal</span> bathroom. So, over the last 30 days, I took it upon myself to make you laugh, cringe and think harder -- maybe even sing along harder, if you knew the lyrics to "The Nightman" -- than you ever have.<br />
<br />
I failed. Because as of this morning, using the same evaluative methodology, I am this:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">A Doer</span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-mNFD6ZGlM3lVTsFaljiLvoTKI10CW6C5LnzGM2EjzUM7xM6_azH2eiTuwPghCxaQ7gNVNG8peHtE_n3iAHx2H-m-jJxKrsKRDP-PfKbpcOVoN_CE2j9zTBpG5HlvI8nKk-22boiusSml/s1600-h/ESTP.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-mNFD6ZGlM3lVTsFaljiLvoTKI10CW6C5LnzGM2EjzUM7xM6_azH2eiTuwPghCxaQ7gNVNG8peHtE_n3iAHx2H-m-jJxKrsKRDP-PfKbpcOVoN_CE2j9zTBpG5HlvI8nKk-22boiusSml/s320/ESTP.gif" /></a></div><blockquote>Less of a whore, not yet invited to stay the night... active and playful, with pigtails.</blockquote><br />
And don't let the <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">soccer ball</span>, <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">tether ball</span>, volleyball? and athletic wear fool you. I'm not a butch doer.<br />
<br />
I am now <span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: 24px;">65%</span></span> woman.<br />
<br />
Sixty. Five. Percent. Really? I post <a href="http://aijuswanawrite.blogspot.com/2008/12/not-in-slightest-bit-tmi.html">this</a> and I <span style="font-style: italic;">add</span> 12% of womanness? Maybe it's the song lyrics that screw me. Or maybe it's the forming a coherent sentence thing that is presumptively female.<br />
<br />
Either way, what I want for Christmas is now obvious. Move over MacBook Pro, and make way for a blog-sex-change.<br />
<br />
Starting next week -- is that enough rehab after an operation of this sort? -- I'll be new and improved. And you will see so much content about football and breasts you'll think a corporate merger married ESPN and Maxim.<br />
<br />
I don't know how I'm going to change my imagination in 7 days. At the very least, I figure it means bypassing the family tradition of <span style="font-style: italic;">A Christmas Story</span> for some soft-core <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?page=2&term=boom+boom">boom-boom</a> videos.<br />
<br />
I'm doing it again, aren't I? Ok, <span style="font-style: italic;">medium</span>-core boom-boom videos. That's manlier enough without breaking decency laws in the District.<br />
<br />
Blog. Sex. Change. Three words, one surgery, millions of smiles.***<br />
<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">*Even when you paraphrase that horrible line it gets better.</span><br />
<blockquote><a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000210/"><span style="color: #003399; font-family: Arial; font-weight: bold; line-height: 17px;"><span style="font-size: small;">Anna Scott</span></span></a><span style="color: #003399; font-family: Arial; font-weight: bold; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: underline;"><span style="font-size: small;">:</span></span><span style="color: #003399; font-family: Arial; line-height: 17px;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 17px;"><span style="font-size: small;">After all... I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.</span></span></blockquote><span style="font-size: small;">You just can't recreate that glorious </span><span style="font-style: italic;"><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0125439/quotes"><span style="font-size: small;">Notting Hill</span></a></span><span style="font-size: small;"> dialogue, I guess.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">**Definitely not the kind Ice Cube likes.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13px;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13px;">***No, I'm not <span style="font-style: italic;">actually</span> gonna do it. It's just a little creative license. Just like that part about millions of comments.</span>bradhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03612814178749943116noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730568103299656002.post-90523019239917408912008-12-19T08:00:00.001-05:002008-12-19T08:00:00.750-05:00S[H]e Says<div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">he says:</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">“together</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">we can be more</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">than we are apart,</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">til forever</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i wanna be with you</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i'll play my part,</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">now or never</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">it will never be now</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">again,</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">god i miss you</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">all i need</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">is another chance</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i've gotta be with you</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">this back and forth we do</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">this tangled web</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">is all i've got</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">to hold onto,</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i promise</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i believe,</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i love</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i guarantee,</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i mean it</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">wait and see,</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i won't ever again”</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">she says:</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">“yeah, whatever</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">should've said that</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">at the start,</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">you want forever</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">now that yours</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">is the broken heart?</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">now or never</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">passed</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i won't be your next mistake,</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">god i'll miss you</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">but i need</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">to be free</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i can't be with you</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">this back and forth we do</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">this tangled web</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">where we</span></span><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> step forward</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">then back two,</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">you promised</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i believed,</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i loved</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">you guaranteed,</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i mean it</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">wait and see,</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i won't ever again”</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">he begins,</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">“but what if we-”</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">she cuts in,</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">“there's no we”</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">he says,</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">“if you and me</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">got married maybe</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">you would see..”</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">he drops down to his knee</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">and for a second she..</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">then she remembers</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">how he always makes a final plea,</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">and she says</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">“i can't be with you</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">this back and forth we do</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">this tangled web</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">where we</span></span><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> step forward</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">then back two,</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">you promised</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i believed,</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i loved</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">you guaranteed,</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i mean it</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">wait and see,</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i won't ever again”</span></span></div><br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/us/" rel="license"><img alt="Creative Commons License" src="http://i.creativecommons.org/l/by-nc-nd/3.0/us/88x31.png" style="border-width: 0;" /></a><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">S[H]e Says</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> by </span><a href="http://draft.blogger.com/aijuswanawrite.blogspot.com" property="cc:attributionName" rel="cc:attributionURL" xmlns:cc="http://creativecommons.org/ns#"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Bradley Fields</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> is licensed under a </span><a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/us/" rel="license"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">.</span>bradhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03612814178749943116noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730568103299656002.post-60644313801535849182008-12-18T11:05:00.001-05:002008-12-18T11:10:26.394-05:00not in the slightest bit TMIMy iCal tells me today is <a href="http://www.livitluvit.com/2008/12/tmi-thursday-its-like-nutty-buddy-only.html">TMI Thursday</a>. Ok, well no, I haven't actually scheduled it. But I did do that thing where you know something at a previous point and then know it again later on -- what's that word? Right, right: "remember." I <span style="font-style: italic;">remembered</span> today is TMI Thursday.<br />
<br />
Anyway, there are some new people with ready access to this blog because I use it in the signature for my official email address.*<br />
<br />
And so, for the record, I have suffered some memory loss today.**<br />
<br />
I have never done anything disgusting, I have never participated in anything gross and I wouldn't even understand what it meant to disappoint my parents. I am also a great addition to the workplace and a stand-up citizen.<br />
<br />
Accordingly, the following are 5 TMI-caliber scenarios that have never played out in my real life. Well, one did. But I'm going to hide it amongst the other 4 so you can't tell the difference.***<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">1.</span> At the ripe, budding age of 26, having spent 7 of the last 8 years in school, almost a third of my life has been dominated by roommate-living situations. However, I have never had a roommate become so intoxicated that he barged into my room, late at night to give me the gift of being able to relate to the following song:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><object height="296" width="512"><param name="movie" value="http://www.hulu.com/embed/j3uIJ7ABgFeTQ97ERn1sGA"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.hulu.com/embed/j3uIJ7ABgFeTQ97ERn1sGA" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowFullScreen="true" width="512" height="296"></embed></object></div> <br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">2.</span> I've never been adept at math. Never. I don't like having to do it anywhere. Anywhere. And, necessarily, that includes while on a solo road trip between DC and New Jersey, on the bottom part of the Turnpike where there are virtually no rest areas, at 2 o'clock in the morning. So, again, math I've never done out of necessity while in a car:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">(empty cup) + #1 = relief</span></span>.</div> <br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">3.</span> I am not a desperate man. I am patient and kind; flatteringly so, I might add. So, naturally, I have never gotten the "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3SBJ57H4yY">Spirit in the Dark</a>" so badly, that I forgave a lady's overly-curious domesticated animal for thinking its presence in the room meant it was invited to participate.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">4.</span> I have never acted out of character; certainly never in the back of a jam-packed school bus. And so I have never done/received such heavy petting in so public of a setting that while I wouldn't have actually...<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><object height="296" width="512"><param name="movie" value="http://www.hulu.com/embed/Wd63zYzgQP3TU7HVl7Oysw"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.hulu.com/embed/Wd63zYzgQP3TU7HVl7Oysw" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowFullScreen="true" width="512" height="296"></embed></object></div> <br />
... I might have left a rather obvious "watermark," for the whole world to see, in a place that needs no identifying signature.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">5.</span> I have never been, am not now, and by the grace of jebus will never be the kind of guy who spent the night in a female friend's bed -- an actual, honest-to-goodness, seemingly-impossible-to-believe, you-still-probably-aren't-buying-it-now, platonic, female friend's bed -- and to my surprise and hers woke up to find myself moving my hips towards her at a rate inappropriate for the platonic situation. This is because my dreams are asexual and not vivid, and therefore the movement of my body during sleep is not vulgar.<br />
<br />
<br />
Happy Thursday.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">*I know what I'm about to do, and I'm not proud of it.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">**Spineless? Probably.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">***If you think you figured it out, click on the "Contact" tab above, or just hit me at franco.beans[at]gmail[dot]com, and we can talk about it over a drink or two.</span>bradhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03612814178749943116noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730568103299656002.post-79291153452184965282008-12-17T08:15:00.001-05:002008-12-17T09:26:10.157-05:00in all seriousness...I'm sick of living in a city I can't trust with my life.<br />
<br />
Eight people have been <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/12/16/AR2008121600741.html?wprss=rss_metro%2Fdc">murdered</a> in this city <span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-style: italic;">since Wednesday</span></span>.<br />
<br />
And I'm sick of hearing that "<a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/12/15/AR2008121500025.html">the arrest 'was another example of the hard work and dedication' of the unit's detectives</a>."<br />
<br />
It's not enough. It's incomplete. The job description is serve <span style="font-weight: bold;">and</span> protect. Somebody, somewhere, has to have a better plan than "great reactions."<br />
<br />
Whether it's a product of the long-running gentrification, the newly official economic downturn, bad parenting, violent video games, or whatever the eff you want to blame, people are killing each other in <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/12/15/AR2008121500070.html">group homes</a>, stabbing each other in the <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/12/15/AR2008121500003.html">metro</a>, breaking into homes wearing masks <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/12/11/AR2008121101497.html">SWAT-style</a>, conducting indiscriminately general "<a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/12/03/AR2008120301751.html">attacks on neighborhoods</a>," shooting people near <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/12/15/AR2008121502969.html">college campuses</a>, killing people "<a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/12/10/AR2008121003983.html">a few dozen feet</a>" from patrolling officers...<br />
<br />
And now this, near the route I walk every day:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><object classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=8,0,0,0" height="394" id="1913" width="448"><param value="always" name="allowscriptaccess" /><param name="movie" value="http://www.nbcwashington.com/syndication?id=36225234&path=%2Fnews%2Flocal"/><embed src="http://www.nbcwashington.com/syndication?id=36225234&path=%2Fnews%2Flocal" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" wmode="transparent" allowfullscreen="true" height="394" width="448"></embed></object>.</div><br />
<br />
Chief Lanier, Mayor Fenty: your women and men in uniform have arguably the most difficult job on the planet, especially in a city where "administrative efficiency" is an oxymoron. But something has to give. You have a city that's falling apart. And I just don't think the murder of anyone I care about is the price we're supposed to pay for your services.<br />
<br />
Go back to the drawing board. Have a scheme -- a preemptive, aggressive, scheme. Because as appreciative as we are that your people put their lives on the line for us, if it's not making any livable difference, you might as well just pull your people from harm's way.bradhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03612814178749943116noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730568103299656002.post-46280137643393453082008-12-16T09:22:00.001-05:002008-12-16T09:25:48.046-05:00smokey-eyed planet<span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Forgive me, this post isn't about Facebook, but this </span><a href="http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081216/ap_on_hi_te/as_australia_facebook"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">story</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> is absurd.</span></span><br />
-----<br />
<br />
<br />
I haven't seen CNN's <a href="http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2008/planet.in.peril/"><span style="font-style: italic;">Planet in Peril</span></a>.<br />
<br />
Hearing that it was essentially in its second edition was the second most surprising news of the week for me. The first? Learning that the Arena Football League is <a href="http://www.reuters.com/article/newsOne/idUSN1550407020081215">suspending play</a> in 2009 after 20 years.* 20 years? There's been arena football for 20 years?<br />
<br />
Anyway...<br />
<br />
It's not looking good for <span style="font-style: italic;">Planet in Peril</span>. And anyone who reads or watches any attempts at journalism knows that those crazy journalists love their puns. So drum roll please...<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.reuters.com/article/televisionNews/idUSTRE4BF0NP20081216"><span style="font-size: x-large;">CNN's "Planet in Peril" endangered in ratings</span></a></div><br />
<br />
Nice. You stay classy, Reuters.<br />
<br />
Now, again, I haven't seen the show, but I'm thinking the reason isn't the stale excuse that we don't care about our planet. The truth is, a favorable proportion of people who watch CNN probably do.<br />
<br />
The problem is in the promos:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXcdIj0tU2bn50w0yAMwiXB7ZpHGWwLxQQVWaT6znLa9be7riwEvAvPsY0fmqtEBQJ5CPnvrUxu1TDC_S5AwmQp7Gmtd4aP5n0IAzh7Rt-NEl1Ov1iz3TbHnxoNdF4sSasdNZpKg7Qs_Iy/s1600-h/planet_in_peril.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXcdIj0tU2bn50w0yAMwiXB7ZpHGWwLxQQVWaT6znLa9be7riwEvAvPsY0fmqtEBQJ5CPnvrUxu1TDC_S5AwmQp7Gmtd4aP5n0IAzh7Rt-NEl1Ov1iz3TbHnxoNdF4sSasdNZpKg7Qs_Iy/s320/planet_in_peril.jpg" /></a></div>Take a closer look...<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYMDEhdMVCeyExgGHXJjsQSlQgUEEjbCm0POWFhHNqFv3QM0jnPJ00uYs6uT7RRVDecGjym-VgyOIEHx_kvOpkyC5wvPHrwaLR3KSALhUzHbAd1U9EMFTWEWHAWhuxaDkLR8-RGdaDR_Bb/s1600-h/planet_in_peril.jpg+510%C3%97755+pixels.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYMDEhdMVCeyExgGHXJjsQSlQgUEEjbCm0POWFhHNqFv3QM0jnPJ00uYs6uT7RRVDecGjym-VgyOIEHx_kvOpkyC5wvPHrwaLR3KSALhUzHbAd1U9EMFTWEWHAWhuxaDkLR8-RGdaDR_Bb/s400/planet_in_peril.jpg+510%C3%97755+pixels.jpg" /></a></div><br />
... and one at this<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0abDP3LaUnDinvhgQeaUZepuUZUhCrzCLD1-BbdbC2VcZuz8gWMlJCbG7LBRmcUdQ7LMSsKp9PwJzxjSMjBWLUIstScod95iTk_ZnRRzGXmiEs1MhqPrJ1Nrd2ihYeS7FEAU7G5xJbLEi/s1600-h/Planet+in+Peril_+Battle+Lines+-+Special+Reports+from+CNN.com.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0abDP3LaUnDinvhgQeaUZepuUZUhCrzCLD1-BbdbC2VcZuz8gWMlJCbG7LBRmcUdQ7LMSsKp9PwJzxjSMjBWLUIstScod95iTk_ZnRRzGXmiEs1MhqPrJ1Nrd2ihYeS7FEAU7G5xJbLEi/s400/Planet+in+Peril_+Battle+Lines+-+Special+Reports+from+CNN.com.jpg" />.</a></div><br />
Everyone looks like a smokey-eyed bastard. The photo shoot must've been a disaster:<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">AC 360</span>: *pouting lips*, *confused*<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">photographer</span>: AC 360, baby, no. think "hungry."<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Sanjay Gupta</span>: but we're not.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">AC 360</span>: then can we think "horny?"<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Lisa Ling</span>: for polar bears?<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">photographer</span>: *sigh*. i want to you to look into the distance. look like you're Kate Moss, it's 1993, and a wind from the north has just carried in the scent of a cheeseburger. HUNGRY -- but a hunger for planet-saving.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Sanjay</span>: nailed it!<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Jeff Corwin</span>: i effin hate you guys<br />
<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">*Said a league source, "We couldn't be taken seriously if we lost too many teams." Uh huh. Taken seriously.</span>bradhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03612814178749943116noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730568103299656002.post-33305734121016844952008-12-15T10:15:00.002-05:002008-12-15T10:15:20.658-05:00the flu made me do itOver the weekend, I finally found I had a few moments to do the little things you promise yourself you'll do as soon as the weekdays are over. Saturday comes and it's like I'm my own administrative assistant, doing all the actual work that makes the weekdays productive*.<br />
<br />
Instead, I spent that time on the<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuVB_6ETxm9fHqHbNRi41R6B6SMhU0996QNmmdC7ypHhcjXjLpXzzNoq_tjQrT7S13m_pQemaFRNVzcbrds8KCQci_PR8UeoZQBr8Z_W0RpbboUpAyPvQhwccMsq5Q1WpcoSjFcun2jY1F/s1600-h/facebook1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuVB_6ETxm9fHqHbNRi41R6B6SMhU0996QNmmdC7ypHhcjXjLpXzzNoq_tjQrT7S13m_pQemaFRNVzcbrds8KCQci_PR8UeoZQBr8Z_W0RpbboUpAyPvQhwccMsq5Q1WpcoSjFcun2jY1F/s320/facebook1.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<br />
That's right, <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">The</span>** Facebook.<br />
<br />
Since I hadn't done this in a while, I had a string of requests, which despite being described as from "friends" felt more like panhandling.<br />
<br />
Someone wanted me to tell her the "color of my heart." Another wanted me to play "Parking Wars" or join "Parking Wars" or something "Parking Wars" so that I could catch my friends "parking illegally and nail them with a big ticket." There was a slot machine invitation and a roll-the-brim-to-win invitation***... I was sent a couple of teddy bears, two patches and was asked to "tell everyone about JESUS." In all, some 33 requests.<br />
<br />
There was also a lone friend request. It was from someone in Maine, a state I've been to once 10 years ago and promptly left without sadness.<br />
<br />
Using my keen great mouse detective skills...<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjerqFKiXUmTXVTHGhCb1j0cA4lljY2cTLv3qewdjv9IWgOI92syb1z75oZiUYTG-JSWlzeCIFE47MSDnYya6-lHIw2oWjlu9kfHpyAPieoLII8wh7jmz4tehJZBML_PUD_SAb-pQJhj4VN/s1600-h/Basil_in_style.sized.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjerqFKiXUmTXVTHGhCb1j0cA4lljY2cTLv3qewdjv9IWgOI92syb1z75oZiUYTG-JSWlzeCIFE47MSDnYya6-lHIw2oWjlu9kfHpyAPieoLII8wh7jmz4tehJZBML_PUD_SAb-pQJhj4VN/s320/Basil_in_style.sized.jpg" /></a></div> <br />
... I tried sifting through this stranger's profile, but I was blocked. So I wrote a pleasant message to the stranger in search of more information and this is how our correspondence unfolded:<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">me</span>: hi. i got a friend request from you a while ago. but i don't recognize your name and couldn't see your profile info to jog my memory. do i know you?<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">stranger</span>: damn... my computer must have virus.<br />
<br />
<br />
I find this explanation unsatisfactory. It makes less sense than that time Fox and E! let the <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0362153/">The Simple Life</a></span> run for five seasons.<br />
<br />
Which virus would that be, stranger lady? Is that the one that inexplicably auto-generates my and only my email address? Or is it the one that makes you full of crap: full-o-crap-o-request-itis?<br />
<br />
I don't believe you. And you suck at lying. And you are woefully under-responsive. Let's say I acquiesce: so your computer has <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">a</span> virus -- I'm sorry, "has virus." So we never met? Or we did and only a virus could make you interested in being my Facebook friend? Are you sorry it wasted my time?<br />
<br />
You didn't even repeal the friend request!<br />
<br />
Fine. I'll do it myself. Whatevs. I don't like you either. My computer has bacteria.<br />
<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">*Productive (pro- duck-tiv): having the quality or power of freeing me to check out blogs.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">**Pronounced as only an octogenarian could.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">***Can you roll a brim? What does that even </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">mean</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">? Seriously, if you're gonna make up stuff, it might as well be funny, like come "shave the fart" or you gotta try "plugging the fruit."</span>bradhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03612814178749943116noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730568103299656002.post-27632062633995649332008-12-12T08:15:00.001-05:002008-12-12T08:15:00.436-05:00i won't follow<div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">she's standing there</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">with a smile so bright</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">her fingers stretched</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">and her palms so wide</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">and i've wanted her</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">to see me</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">but not like this</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">believe me</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span> </div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">and it's not my pride</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">but i can't reach out</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i just can't let go</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i just can't back down</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">and i know that she'll just leave me</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">she won't need a better reason</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span> </div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span> </div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">and it's as easy as starting all over again</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">turning back time to a brand new when</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">so close</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">so close</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span> </span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">she could be my great escape</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">but she'll just have to wait</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">'cause i won't follow</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i'll find my own way</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">back home</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span> </div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span> </div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i'm not a traveling man</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">who's heart's on the road</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">not better off scared</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">even if all alone</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">but i can't quite fight the feeling</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">that i can't break through this ceiling</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span> </div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">and if it's not with her</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">then it's not with her</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">and i can't push on</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">'cause to pull might hurt</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">'cause i can't just do what's easy</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">no i need a better reason</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span> </div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span> </div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">and it's as easy as starting all over again</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">turning back time to a brand new when</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">so close</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">so close</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span> </span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">she could be my great escape</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">but she'll just have to wait</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">'cause i won't follow</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">i'll find my own way</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">back home</span></span></div>bradhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03612814178749943116noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730568103299656002.post-417366382809770522008-12-11T11:47:00.000-05:002008-12-11T11:47:47.632-05:00take on me, take me onSome preliminary matters...<br />
<br />
Just got added to <a href="http://twentysomething.alltop.com/">Alltop</a> and the confirming email I got told me I would <span class="Apple-style-span" style="text-decoration: line-through;">lose my life</span> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="text-decoration: line-through;">be vasectomized</span> break an honor code if I didn't <span class="Apple-style-span" style="text-decoration: line-through;">caress its tit to get my tat</span> tell you about it to increase Alltop traffic.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I don't know if it's something I <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">should</span> be excited about, but I <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">am</span> kind of excited about it. Like, flatly excited about it. Like, <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Michael Flatley</span> excited about it:*<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/IrP9anxy0pY&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/IrP9anxy0pY&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></div><br />
Ok. Enough of that. On to the real deal...<br />
-----------<br />
<br />
Ladies and gents, it is <a href="http://www.livitluvit.com/2008/12/tmi-thursday-unfortunate-anointment-of.html">TMI Thursday</a>. And, much to my chagrin, that means the <a href="http://aijuswanawrite.blogspot.com/2008/12/step-right-up-and-get-your.html">SnugWOW</a> was ahead of its time. Thankfully**, the well is far from dry. Here goes...<br />
<br />
<br />
I started life as a virgin. It's a shame really. You spend so much of life trying to be anything but that, that it's really, really frustrating to realize there was a whole section of life where it was completely beyond your control -- namely the fetal stage.<br />
<br />
And so having started life as a virgin, I fell into a rut. I thought it was what I was meant to be. And so I developed character traits and habits to support this theory: going to church, well, uh, religiously; pristine prudishness; not dating; not understanding why the female figure is so freaking amazing***; a bunch of other really outdated ideology.****<br />
<br />
So my proverbial first kiss caught me by surprise. She asked <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">me</span> out -- something I had only ever seen on that episode of <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Saved By the Bell</span> with the Sadie Hawkins dance.<br />
<br />
We went to see <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Enemy of the State</span>.***** Correction: my dad drove us. Correction: and my 9 year-old brother insisted on coming along and my mom told me I had to let him.<br />
<br />
It was a creepy setting actually, when we got to the theater: Bergenfield, NJ's Clearview Cinema 5.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxsIdtePclDDBghmbkVo-RqWo7GcOGqWFpxaAGTl053sTgygZaXS2Uhyphenhyphenf6aQB7TbuvngLItj0SoiiwVe1_I9qUT3eUnywYDSJ2MNQuDoXCo-_ULlQ43wYWuy0fTwyCHJSGaRWIo6lzadm9/s1600-h/445540702_269244c469_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxsIdtePclDDBghmbkVo-RqWo7GcOGqWFpxaAGTl053sTgygZaXS2Uhyphenhyphenf6aQB7TbuvngLItj0SoiiwVe1_I9qUT3eUnywYDSJ2MNQuDoXCo-_ULlQ43wYWuy0fTwyCHJSGaRWIo6lzadm9/s400/445540702_269244c469_o.jpg" /></a></div> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">(photo credit: johnkay1)</span><br />
<br />
It was dark. And a little damp, actually. It was winter outside and there was that humid feeling because the heat was on low, but because the floor was really wet from people tracking snow in, moisture was in the air. And there was this old guy in the rear corner of our otherwise empty theater. Just sitting there. Hands invisible.<br />
<br />
So let me refresh the scene. The young lady and I are watching Will Smith and Gene Hackman flee the hideout after Smith screwed up and gave away their location. My 9 year old brother is sitting directly in front of us. And there's a solitary, senior citizen in the back corner, not showing his hands. And the air is sticky moist.<br />
<br />
Then she jumped me. She literally jumped out of her seat and onto me. Now, since I look like this...<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBVEMRKIHSKJ9PBHQUdagXvtzRm1dUrjGThdr9SatsG818FVDMM0PMlrYRsVghUGyi4iRKy8Y9jby2etY7ByjEM0-unYe4qhoQNnVeoZnVnQz_aByJRlvGKo2TBlIEf8isBEoE1DNJ6oe_/s1600-h/Basil_nice.sized.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBVEMRKIHSKJ9PBHQUdagXvtzRm1dUrjGThdr9SatsG818FVDMM0PMlrYRsVghUGyi4iRKy8Y9jby2etY7ByjEM0-unYe4qhoQNnVeoZnVnQz_aByJRlvGKo2TBlIEf8isBEoE1DNJ6oe_/s320/Basil_nice.sized.jpg" /></a></div> <br />
... I understood, and may have forgiven her. But I don't like the inside of my esophagus being licked. Call me a romantic-traditionalist. And I don't like being forcibly straddled while my 9 year-old brother is within an arm's length. And I don't like knowing the eyes of a guy I'd later recognize to be Herbert from <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Family Guy</span>...<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlcUK63aKJZ5EMzET57wRGYZxeZA7_6xC-hSouhicN3kR24b9wnXUFJ8mo1v9MRDbBl-HDXvrrHFZDSyWJRTeO0_A9wuxnmSGGEp4gvP9z59L0mIlyz3I0gb2pzIT1QmLkPmt8QxMx4lZH/s1600-h/Herbert_(Family_Guy).JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlcUK63aKJZ5EMzET57wRGYZxeZA7_6xC-hSouhicN3kR24b9wnXUFJ8mo1v9MRDbBl-HDXvrrHFZDSyWJRTeO0_A9wuxnmSGGEp4gvP9z59L0mIlyz3I0gb2pzIT1QmLkPmt8QxMx4lZH/s320/Herbert_(Family_Guy).JPG" /></a></div> <br />
... are watching our every loins-fueled move, while he whistle-whispers sweet nothings through his gums.<br />
<br />
Of course I didn't <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">stop</span> it, though. That would've been tasteful. I just struggled to breathe and tried to, uh, use my hands to do some, uh, stuff. The whole hands-on approach failed miserably, of course, because it was December and she had left her huge winter coat on over her scarf and sweater. And if you've ever tried maneuvering two bodies in down coats, silently, in a small town movie seat, you know how little space you have to work with and, ergo, how <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Mission: Impossible</span> your feat is. You don't even want to <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">touch</span> most of what surrounds you, let alone rub it all over you.<br />
<br />
Anyway, at some point we stopped; awkwardly, because there was like <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">over an hour</span> of movie left. And when the movie was over, as we walked out, remember that old guy? Yeah. He was giggling. Giggle. Ing.<br />
<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">*Please, please, please watch the whole thing.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">**For whom?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">***At this moment, I'd like to personally thank Salma Hayek for making a big, big difference in my life.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">****Outdated for </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">me</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">. I somehow actually understand if you're still at that place. I credit this to the adage: "you can take me out of the church but you can't </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Eternal-Sunshine-of-the-Spotless-Mind</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> me enough to make me forget I was there."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">*****Yes, I </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">know</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">. That dates me. I'm only 26. Secret's out.</span>bradhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03612814178749943116noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730568103299656002.post-88737091465704289322008-12-10T10:53:00.001-05:002008-12-10T10:55:45.501-05:00Step right up and get your...Hey kids! Franco Beans here.<br />
<br />
You've heard of the Snuggie!<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/2xZp-GLMMJ0&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/2xZp-GLMMJ0&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></div> <br />
<br />
You've seen the ShamWOW!<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/NJEKqI1e714&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/NJEKqI1e714&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></div><div style="text-align: left;"> </div><div style="text-align: left;"></div>Well at The Change I Wish to See, we bring you<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="text-decoration: line-through;">the Shamie</span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"> </div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="text-decoration: line-through;">the ShamSnug</span></span></div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: red;">the SnugWOW!</span></span></span></div><br />
It's a Snuggie! It WOWS!*<br />
<br />
Busted water heater? Tired of ice cold winter showers? Bathe in my SnugWOW! It'll keep you warmer than showering naked like those hygienic fundamentalists and it holds more water than any of those dated, 20th century, Martha Stewart Living towels you still use. Martha's <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">got</span> a life. I want a life, too!<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">SnugWOW!</span></span></span></div><br />
Fed up with your lover's messy goodies? Trash the lacy teddy. Rock a SnugWOW!** No more sleeping in "the spot." No more SLS.*** Cut a hole -- maybe two! make it work for you! -- and keep on trucking. And clean up? <span style="font-weight: bold;">No clean up!</span> It wrings out dry when <span style="font-style: italic;">you're</span> wrung out dry!<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: red; font-size: 32px; font-weight: bold;">SnugWOW!</span></div><br />
You might think a body glove like this would cost $100. Maybe even $200.<br />
<br />
But no! This ain't your mama's body glove! This, is the moisture wrap of the future. And it's only -- wait for it... -- two easy payments of $49.99! And if you comment today, you'll get not one -- not one! -- but TWO<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: red; font-size: 32px; font-weight: bold;">SnugWOWs!</span></div><br />
for the price of one. Sing it with me: "that's two, two, two Snugs' for one!" Give the holiday-appropriate gift of Snug, and WOW your partner, your coworker or your mailperson!<br />
<br />
Act <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">fast</span>! Supplies are imaginary!<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-style: italic;">Due to the SnugWOW's propensity to trap used liquid in its grasp, tests reveal it's like wearing a sopping rag of mildew, which is rumored to <span style="font-weight: bold;">guarantee</span> some sort of fungal infection somewhere. The makers of SnugWOW do not -- we repeat DO NOT -- want to hear about such conditions and will smother you with a SnugWOW if you complain.</span><br />
<br />
-----<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">*It humiliates.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">**Translation: full-body prophylactic.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">***Sticky Leg Syndrome.</span>bradhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03612814178749943116noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730568103299656002.post-87130756419698497332008-12-09T09:45:00.002-05:002008-12-09T09:48:58.527-05:00the one with subtle jokesSo you know those new State Farm commercials? The ones where someone says something clever to describe where her/his life is headed, like...<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/aYZpZxTKvWs&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/aYZpZxTKvWs&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></div><div style="text-align: left;"></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
... and from that we're supposed to deduce that we should buy car insurance?</div><div style="text-align: left;"></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
Well, you know that place where <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WeWRcxoe6Ds">failure pile meets sadness bowl</a>? Yeah, I'm there. And State Farm insurance commercials, even with Patrick Dempsey voiceovers, don't fix that. I've been teetering on the rim of that bowl until four Fridays ago when it became official that I was the <span style="font-style: italic;">only person I graduated with</span> that I knew had failed the bar exam. Then it was sort of like I had stepped into one of these:<br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/DOqFVfOD11U&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/DOqFVfOD11U&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></div><div style="text-align: left;"> </div><div style="text-align: left;">Fortunately, putting pen to paper -- or rather, html to web page -- has been like finding a good samaritan, Jamaican hero with a refreshing bottle of Red Stripe waiting outside my unexpected room of evil. And so I haven't completely lost my mind.</div><div style="text-align: left;"> </div><div style="text-align: left;">So, to anyone who has commented on any post lately, or even just read without leaving a trace, <span style="font-weight: bold;">thank you</span>. You have unwittingly been a wonderfully samaritan, alcohol-wielding, Jamaican man and I am <span style="font-style: italic;">so</span> grateful. I've been able to maintain at least a modicum of perspective. And that led to this sight last night:</div><div style="text-align: left;"> </div><div style="text-align: left;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh92-VtV8eOXWpS7cHyXmONh1TghRNamSiOmDi9Y6i6MdgiZsuO-pZXbdMtAD4HsBQb-AmScZ9vhL-cKeD46yJDvq8TUDQm0Mv7DYhveDAUP2M81HjmSnZkSE9VF3SdyhxmgQSzgMfGVdFI/s1600-h/IMG_0381-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh92-VtV8eOXWpS7cHyXmONh1TghRNamSiOmDi9Y6i6MdgiZsuO-pZXbdMtAD4HsBQb-AmScZ9vhL-cKeD46yJDvq8TUDQm0Mv7DYhveDAUP2M81HjmSnZkSE9VF3SdyhxmgQSzgMfGVdFI/s400/IMG_0381-1.jpg" /></a></div><div> </div><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">Now you have to look really closely, maybe squint, and default to your imagination if none of that works, kind of like you're doing for the setup of this very moment, because the iPhone camera doesn't zoom or flash, making it functionally irrelevant at night. But that, my friends, is a replica leg lamp from <span style="font-style: italic;"><a href="http://www.achristmasstoryhouse.com/">A Christmas Story</a></span> in the top window on the corner of 13th and O NW.</div><div style="text-align: left;"> </div><div style="text-align: left;">If there's any cheer I love, it's cult-followed, retro, Christmas cheer. It empties that sadness bowl (a little) that I mentioned above. In the end, Ralphie triumphantly got his Red Ryder BB gun.* And I will have mine. And it will be sweet.</div><div style="text-align: left;"> </div><div style="text-align: left;"> </div><div style="text-align: left;">-----</div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: small;">*Yes, I <span style="font-style: italic;">know</span> he then proceeded to shoot his eye out and then crush his glasses. Stop being so alert. Dream-crusher.</span></div>bradhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03612814178749943116noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730568103299656002.post-28451933021426769032008-12-08T08:31:00.001-05:002008-12-08T08:36:21.397-05:00That's one giant lump of coal for you... and another...Dear Purveyors of Evil,<br />
<br />
Yes, <span style="font-style: italic;">you</span>, credit-pusher Visa and producers of "<a href="http://www.fox.com/secretmillionaire/">Secret Millionaire</a>" on Fox.<br />
<br />
You deserve to die.* In fact, since Santa is <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Santa_Claus,_Indiana">real</a> and <a href="http://www.holidayworld.com/">Great Depression-proof</a>, my Christmas wish is that you be dead.<br />
<br />
You may not have noticed, being blinded by the reptilian scales covering your eyes and all, but our economy is on the verge of being in shambles. The Economist says we're seeing such <a href="http://www.economist.com/finance/displaystory.cfm?story_id=12725898">global housing market declines</a> that we're probably going to have to redefine "homeless." Like all well-intended descriptive words -- e.g., "special" -- "homeless" loses a little meaning when it can be used to describe pretty much everyone. There is obviously a problem when the market is such that<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzQm3rYfl6nQ55xFhx3XH5ExWv5NYK_P6Gl_oswCVOAl2ZDB5bre1nCXnWtTXbUqjZZMuUOVpMT30OEqhur5bb8bgjQDID4xxO0qwg1-MQC1HESHEfxc5kJp6IxF5XqILhNauGLofrcIbK/s1600-h/610x.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzQm3rYfl6nQ55xFhx3XH5ExWv5NYK_P6Gl_oswCVOAl2ZDB5bre1nCXnWtTXbUqjZZMuUOVpMT30OEqhur5bb8bgjQDID4xxO0qwg1-MQC1HESHEfxc5kJp6IxF5XqILhNauGLofrcIbK/s200/610x.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">+</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjycXocuDJ3SnJIpTI-LYCcoYxUA1WwAVG1IVQeJ09y652zKcG3UHJxOvyGfKVEtSVWqFI4lcpDPGXW8GEB2jypskzJoLEKrB_3ft9CYtnvIRJ_lkHoqzYb6P4zJhRhYOr19wozx3TdKwm1/s1600-h/455680845_8a0b142a0d.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjycXocuDJ3SnJIpTI-LYCcoYxUA1WwAVG1IVQeJ09y652zKcG3UHJxOvyGfKVEtSVWqFI4lcpDPGXW8GEB2jypskzJoLEKrB_3ft9CYtnvIRJ_lkHoqzYb6P4zJhRhYOr19wozx3TdKwm1/s200/455680845_8a0b142a0d.jpg" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">(by tbonzzz_6)</span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 13px; font-style: italic;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 32px;">=</span></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgBrX9kC_yCMVF78RoZorpg1HlEfsYlTYPIQPV3YjdOW7xOlS2QBBUDd-RPuTzz-gtWNASROYEbWClVCcmGWrguOdXvevj0-Zx3A_HArMV2USWt2FOvdORmvXk-oKsvPHn2HypI0g2WTc3/s1600-h/856595888_fef1676db4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgBrX9kC_yCMVF78RoZorpg1HlEfsYlTYPIQPV3YjdOW7xOlS2QBBUDd-RPuTzz-gtWNASROYEbWClVCcmGWrguOdXvevj0-Zx3A_HArMV2USWt2FOvdORmvXk-oKsvPHn2HypI0g2WTc3/s200/856595888_fef1676db4.jpg" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">(by shainelee)</span></span></div><br />
Now I don't want to get all Nader on you, but you two giant peas in a corporate pod have outdone yourselves lately.<br />
<br />
Visa, your newest contribution to an incredibly fragile world is an advertising campaign for "the ultimate buying tool:" your <a href="https://www.blackcard.com/">Black Card</a>. It's made of carbon graphite -- not plastic -- and "available to only 1% of US Residents." It costs $495 a year to hold (not to <span style="font-style: italic;">use</span>, just to take space in your wallet).**<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><object height="295" width="480"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/6alxHcP1rhA&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/6alxHcP1rhA&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="295"></embed></object></div><br />
<br />
Fox, not to be outflanked, your good people are pushing <span style="font-style: italic;">Secret Millionaire</span> -- a show where flatulently-wealthy people travel in private jets to less financially fortunate areas of the country, camouflage themselves with neediness to blend in, and then surprise unknowing locals with their actual identities and $100,000 checks! But the giving isn't charity. Those in need have to be found "worthy." You actually use the word "<a href="http://www.fox.com/fod/play.php?sh=secretmillionaire&ep=1227557002042">worthy</a>."<br />
<br />
Your timing is unimaginable. I have written you a new combo-slogan: "Visa and Fox -- poking poverty in the eye since inception."<br />
<br />
If there is a god, she*** will smite you. And I hope it's at least tied for the worst smiting ever.<br />
<br />
That is all.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">*Though if you actually read this, and die, and I get criminally charged or something, I'm suing you. And then you'll be dead and sued. So. Sued.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">**Admittedly, this may be the least expensive penile implant ever for men in search of a couple imaginary inches. And you don't even have to go under the knife!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">***I imagine her as Alanis Morissette in </span><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-size: small;">Dogma</span></span><span style="font-size: small;">.</span>bradhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03612814178749943116noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730568103299656002.post-14307201223977466122008-12-05T08:48:00.002-05:002008-12-05T09:35:55.443-05:00Oh Boy, George!It's always a shame when celebrities don't take their own advice.<br />
<br />
Take Boy George for example.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijdAWUtNBgPrRreF09HfV8cWevdXH9rF6LA8AenJUk5XhtTcPIoLWuj04H8YJOOa-CtmHiUE-5DLmeaRddU1_sF77_k6v9wnbU5sCPuiL1N3sTN2zP3pLhnm8SYQEURuJIpdwqyDtcij4t/s1600-h/FEOuTJbBzE43_m.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijdAWUtNBgPrRreF09HfV8cWevdXH9rF6LA8AenJUk5XhtTcPIoLWuj04H8YJOOa-CtmHiUE-5DLmeaRddU1_sF77_k6v9wnbU5sCPuiL1N3sTN2zP3pLhnm8SYQEURuJIpdwqyDtcij4t/s320/FEOuTJbBzE43_m.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<br />
I bet he really, really wishes he was a little more chameleon and a little less <a href="http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20081205/en_nm/us_boygeorge">convicted of falsely imprisoning an escort</a>.<br />
<br />
Now I know things aren't always what they seem in any justice system. But there's a pretty good chance you're going to be convicted of <span style="font-style: italic;">something somewhere</span> when you admit to the cops you<br />
<blockquote>"invited Carlsen to [your] home after a cocaine-fueld pornographic photo shoot in January because [you] suspected the Norwegian of stealing pictures from [your] computer."</blockquote>Balls.<br />
<br />
Not a good start George. Say it ain't so. I dunno if it's my lack of arrogance or my well-aged whisky-like wisdom, but if I ever get interrogated, no freaking way am I explaining my way out of it by mentioning a cocaine-fueled porn shoot gone awry. No freaking way.<br />
<br />
Know what else I'm not doing? Hiring a defense lawyer who actually stands up in court and says, "Your honor, we move for judgment notwithstanding.* My client was too fat to attack an escort in his flat." In all fairness, what the real lawyer actually said was, <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1091670/Boy-George-fat-able-attack-male-escort.html?ITO=1490">"With the greatest of respect to George O'Dowd, he is not someone you could describe as terribly fit.... He has put on a few pounds since the 1980s</a>." Yeah, so much better.<br />
<br />
And to that end, I don't know what's worse. The fact that the jury said, "Nope, just not fat enough. He's all round, but he's not huge," or that if acquitted it might have been because he was too porky for prison.<br />
<br />
And George, why'd you have to punch and beat him with a chain once he was already handcuffed? Overkill. You got greedy. You brought a chain to a non-fight. Maybe if you cuffed him to the wall but then just grilled him about the jpegs you thought he stole, he would've let it all go. But you beat him. Hmm. Kinda like he stole something, I guess. But just because it makes a good joke doesn't mean it's funny. Well it does, but for us, not for you, George. Get some perspective.<br />
<br />
I guess we'll see you when we see you.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
*I did mention that whole "went to law school" thing in a post at some point right? Eh well. Guess you know now.bradhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03612814178749943116noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730568103299656002.post-79172666962511527252008-12-04T11:41:00.004-05:002008-12-04T13:42:44.238-05:00I don't want, your cat.<div style="font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJTiuzpUfqqWgxTMSnr_cu0yLfTGZTkfxBzpF8j0hOEaYpaUs-Wy72n0iL7W_i751zJREtteuM8Hh03hcH5xLLopq2qrUW1LDtfclnrrXOESKc9RPpc8dKGIKTACmGiiqO8OlnBlwKSzZe/s1600-h/133839950_be9512530a.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJTiuzpUfqqWgxTMSnr_cu0yLfTGZTkfxBzpF8j0hOEaYpaUs-Wy72n0iL7W_i751zJREtteuM8Hh03hcH5xLLopq2qrUW1LDtfclnrrXOESKc9RPpc8dKGIKTACmGiiqO8OlnBlwKSzZe/s320/133839950_be9512530a.jpg" /></a></div></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><div style="text-align: center;">by Kevin Steele</div></div><br />
<br />
<br />
I don't really like cats. So, they get to make my <a href="http://www.livitluvit.com/2008/12/tmi-thursday-milky-white-thigh.html">TMI Thursday</a>.<br />
<br />
It's not that I <span style="font-style: italic;">hate</span> cats. I mean I do. But only in the way we 20-somethings abuse hyperbole. I don't punt them, or bark at them. And I still <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">pet</span> <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">touch</span> pet them.* I actually touched a cat the other day and it wasn't horrible at all.<br />
<br />
But I do hold grudges. And I used to be deathly allergic to our domesticated felinious ones.<br />
<br />
I also don't like competing for affection. Certainly not with animals. And certainly not with an animal's fragile sense of self.<br />
<br />
So it came as a surprise when I moved into my house last summer knowing the roommate had two cats. Should I have known better? Obviously. But do I ever actually admit that with enough time to avert disaster? Meh.<br />
<br />
Normally I have a penchant for embellishment. But today, and for today only, I will simply list as pure fact the 25 horrible things these cats did to me by way of their owner. No pretty adjectives, no sexy adverbs. Fair and balanced.<br />
<br />
<br />
<ol><li>They existed.<br />
</li>
<li>They had three litter boxes.<br />
</li>
<li>That equals 1.5 box per cat.<br />
</li>
<li>One box was next to the refrigerator in the kitchen.<br />
</li>
<li>All three of the boxes were uncovered.<br />
</li>
<li>The box under the sink in the main bathroom was on a mat. This mat was so the cats could scrape their feet. This mat was larger than the space it was in. So, to brush your teeth or wash your hands at the sink, you had to stand on the litter mat.<br />
</li>
<li>My roommate and her boyfriend did this barefoot and smiling.<br />
</li>
<li>One morning, not yet awake, I did too, but with a different look on my face.<br />
</li>
<li>One morning, not yet awake, I stepped out of the shower and onto a fresh turd.<br />
</li>
<li>I cried on the inside.<br />
</li>
<li>Many days, cat #1 would vomit on the floor and then poop on the pile of vomit.<br />
</li>
<li>Some days, #1 would then start eating the pile as I watched.**<br />
</li>
<li>The cat poop was left in a plastic grocery bag on the front step to our house, several times a week.<br />
</li>
<li>In the summer.<br />
</li>
<li>In DC.<br />
</li>
<li>These bags would be covered with flies and would emit a smell that you could taste.<br />
</li>
<li>Those flies and that smell would follow you inside when you opened the front door.<br />
</li>
<li>They would, though, then give way to the ammonia smell from three uncovered litter boxes packed into a small 2 bedroom rowhouse.<br />
</li>
<li>Cat #2 peed on the kitchen counter.<br />
</li>
<li>I didn't grow up with cats so I thought it was apple juice and decided to wipe it up with a sponge.<br />
</li>
<li>That sponge was for hand-washing dishes.<br />
</li>
<li>One or both of the cats peed on the stove. There was a lot of pee. It happened on the weekend the roommate moved out. I had left town to avoid the awkwardness. Came back to clean up and show the house. Found an inch deep, thickened to the point where it didn't resemble liquid, yellow substance on the stove. I started scrubbing.<br />
</li>
<li>I almost fainted from the smell.<br />
</li>
<li>Months after the roommate left, I still found litter in new places.<br />
</li>
<li>Like the refrigerator.<br />
</li>
</ol><br />
<br />
<br />
-----<br />
*Hilarious how changing one word in that sentence makes me sound like someone you don't want to meet.<br />
**HORRIFIED.bradhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03612814178749943116noreply@blogger.com13