Over the weekend, I finally found I had a few moments to do the little things you promise yourself you'll do as soon as the weekdays are over. Saturday comes and it's like I'm my own administrative assistant, doing all the actual work that makes the weekdays productive*.
Instead, I spent that time on the
That's right, The** Facebook.
Since I hadn't done this in a while, I had a string of requests, which despite being described as from "friends" felt more like panhandling.
Someone wanted me to tell her the "color of my heart." Another wanted me to play "Parking Wars" or join "Parking Wars" or something "Parking Wars" so that I could catch my friends "parking illegally and nail them with a big ticket." There was a slot machine invitation and a roll-the-brim-to-win invitation***... I was sent a couple of teddy bears, two patches and was asked to "tell everyone about JESUS." In all, some 33 requests.
There was also a lone friend request. It was from someone in Maine, a state I've been to once 10 years ago and promptly left without sadness.
Using my keen great mouse detective skills...
... I tried sifting through this stranger's profile, but I was blocked. So I wrote a pleasant message to the stranger in search of more information and this is how our correspondence unfolded:
me: hi. i got a friend request from you a while ago. but i don't recognize your name and couldn't see your profile info to jog my memory. do i know you?
stranger: damn... my computer must have virus.
I find this explanation unsatisfactory. It makes less sense than that time Fox and E! let the The Simple Life run for five seasons.
Which virus would that be, stranger lady? Is that the one that inexplicably auto-generates my and only my email address? Or is it the one that makes you full of crap: full-o-crap-o-request-itis?
I don't believe you. And you suck at lying. And you are woefully under-responsive. Let's say I acquiesce: so your computer has a virus -- I'm sorry, "has virus." So we never met? Or we did and only a virus could make you interested in being my Facebook friend? Are you sorry it wasted my time?
You didn't even repeal the friend request!
Fine. I'll do it myself. Whatevs. I don't like you either. My computer has bacteria.
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*Productive (pro- duck-tiv): having the quality or power of freeing me to check out blogs.
**Pronounced as only an octogenarian could.
***Can you roll a brim? What does that even mean? Seriously, if you're gonna make up stuff, it might as well be funny, like come "shave the fart" or you gotta try "plugging the fruit."
