the Change I Wish to See

an apology (postdated 01.24.09).


We are really, really sorry.

It's not you; it's us. See, it all started early in 2000. We fell asleep, let our system of government be appropriated and yadda, yadda, yadda, we woke up bruised and confused. It wasn't until about a year ago that we realized what we'd done. We had a plan; we really did. We were going to elect a dream ticket to the White House. Barack and Hillary were going to change the world!

But then it all went so wrong. Hillary started crying. Then she campaigned in a state she shouldn't have. Her husband channeled Dick Cheney (which, here, means subversively attacking those who only want to trust you). Then she campaigned in a state she shouldn't have. She started publicly calling Barack less than a republican (which, believe it or not, in this country is almost an ethnic slur to a lot of people). Then one of Hillary's advisers channeled Dick Cheney. Then her husband questioned Barack's patriotism... Barack tried to rise above it all. He really did. But his associates were less than competent and lead him headfirst into quicksand. In the end, our dream convention was a brokered nightmare and Barack emerged too politically drained to win the general election. In fact, John McCain, his VP Steve Forbes, and a slew of 512 agencies (they are like the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz) used many of Hillary's remarks about Barack to tear him down.

So we gave the world John McCain. And just as John McCain thought Iran was adopting and training al-Qaeda operatives from Iraq, he also mistook your country for Iran and bombed you preemptively. He's 72. It was late at night. Even you admit your names sound similar (*Oman* - *Iran*). Your people have the same brownness. And on the White House map of Asia, both of your countries are the same color. And we're sure at one time, someone, somewhere mistook you for a nation encouraging US-targeted terrorism. So there's that.

We will try to impeach him, but we're about as influential here as you are. And without a Republican Congress and a president who's a democrat, impeachments happen about as often as same-sexed conception around here. So the best we can offer is that if you consider changing your name to something more American, like that Georgia over there (maybe you could try "Rhode Island"), we will work on heeding the words of Chuck Norris the next time he speaks.

Our condolences.
Rationally Liberal Citizens of the United States of America. (RLCUSA)

P.S. Tell Azerbaijan to duck. Thanks.