the Change I Wish to See

...and whatever else it takes to find my pants

I don't need to tell you what time of year it is.*

And so let's just get straight to it, shall we?

12 things I'd punch you in the face for giving me on Christmas

12. Something you got and hated.  I don't judge re-gifting.  I judge treating me like a landfill.  You're a pretty cool person; at least I think so.  I mean, we hang out and stuff.  So we have similar and overlapping likes.  If you got something so bad you didn't even want to hide it in a box in your attic, giving it to me... well, you should know better.

11.  The sweater.  This had to make this list.  I don't really wear sweaters.  I radiate heat like an equator-monkey during mating season.  And so I probably will never wear it, but instead move it from apartment to apartment for years out of guilt, even if it's a sweater vest as awesomely bad as this:


10.  The untouchable -- that means anything where the enjoyment of the gift is found in not touching it.  I like gadgets, and doing and using.  "Looking" is wonderful at times, but almost never for gifts that are surprises.  For example, what about a painting to hang on the wall?  Well, maybe.  I'm cultured.  But this kind of gift giving is a dangerous game.  I'm finicky about interior decor.**  And if the painting isn't something that really works, it might as well be a huge, used bean bag chair you thought qualified as "additional seating."

9.  A skinny tie.

8.  Eight voicemails voicing.  I wish you a "Merry Christmas," too.  But I'm with my family.  It's our time -- probably one of few times a year -- to be with each other.  I'm not checking my phone every hour.  I'm just not.  And this might last for a couple of days.  So if I don't get back to you within a few hours, don't call me back at regular intervals until you bludgeon me with your ringtone into finally making it stop picking up the phone.  I'll call.  I promise.

7.  Infomercial paraphernalia.  I've actually already been given a Chia Pet and the Clapper in the last three years.  I don't want something I can "set and forget," or a tube with a fork on the end that styles and cuts hair -- that's right, not the Flowbee.  Let me be clear: the commercials are funny, not owning the product.

6.  I love the show and I love my PS3.  But I don't want -- well, I'll just show you the picture:

5.  The flu.  I've just got too much to do as soon as Christmas is over.  I don't want, your germs.

4.  CSI: Miami on DVD (or in blu-ray, or in mpg for you "content-borrowers...").  Why?  Everyone, unfortunately, slows up to watch a car wreck.  But that show is the kind of colossal failure that deserves an analogy to the Titanic.  And if I had been in position to slow up and watch the Titanic sink, I'd have been stranded at sea, or drowning in frigid water... I'd be in that "wishing for quick death" place.  Plus, the air of self-loving, masturbation he wears on his face makes me sick.

3.  A Weird Al Yankovic album.  Any of them.  I detest that man.  Creative?  Arguably.  Entertaining?  Balls no.  I love music.  I love remixes.  I love covers.  But "Amish Paradise?"  I will shun you.  I take pride in my music catalog.  And simply accepting this as a gift would insult my impression of myself (which is already in shambles).  So, no thank you, but no thank you.

2.  Something -- actually, anything -- you think black people like.  I promise you: you are probably wrong.  And if you happen to guess right, admitting I like your gift would mean I'd have to admit to being a stereotype -- which is something I might just deny on principle.***

1.  Underwear aka vitals.

I have plenty.  You also don't even know what kind of vitals I wear.  Know how I know that?  Because I don't ask you whether I prefer boxers or briefs.  I already have this ever-critical information.  Besides, depending on who you are, the real gift you give me when you give me a pack of necessaries is the realization that you're thinking about my nethers.  So ask yourself, "Am I the kind of person he wants thinking about what he puts in his vitals?"

But seriously..  it's tough for pretty much everyone this year.  So, be less concerned with what's in the boxes under the tree, or whether you even have a tree, and focus on finding the people you love and staying warm.

Merry Christmas!

*Unless you live in DC, where it never snows, and so you might just think it's still late fall, because the only chance we've got at a white Christmas is if Marion Barry is re-elected and makes it rain coke from the Verizon Center roof.

**Interior decor?  I'm really not gonna get out of the shadow of yesterday's post, am I?

***Unless it's the blu-ray version of I'm Gonna Git You Sucka.


lacochran said...

Ch-ch-ch-chia! Ch-ch-ch-chia!

Is it the original or one of the newer ones?

f.B said...

it's a newer one. i think it was a duck or something. but you're right: it's the joke without the precious kitchiness

Sara said...

Oh come on, if someone found a pair of underoo's in your size you would not be the least bit entertained by the purchase? What could be manlier than super-hero boy parts?

lacochran said...

*looks down at wrapped box set of "Good Times" DVDs* *slumps shoulders* *turns away*

Kidding. (Do I really have to say that?)

So, are you saying all your readers are of a non-black variety or that even black people don't know what to get black people for a gift?

JP said...

Anybody who receives a vest like that and doesn't wear it at every possible occasion is just not the kind of person I need to know.

Lemmonex said...

OK, not gonna lie--some infomercial stuff looks sorta awesome. I want a button puncher thingy.

f.B said...

sara: of course i would. you're right, i should've picked the photo i found with the fruit of the loom guys. i made a rush editorial decision : (

la: you so don't have to say that. and Good Times falls into the I'm Gonna Git You Sucka exception. "hangin in a chow line?" genius.

and it is so universal. it's tough to explain in a comment post, but i've gotten some ridiculous things from people "within the circle." like Ultra Sheen.

JP: maybe i should have put it up on the blog as a part of a comment contest? a prize?

f.B said...

lemmonex: some are quirkily awesome. like the ShamWOW. but you can give me the ShamWOW any day of the year. I treat Christmas like a day reserved for the best gift-giving you can possibly do. birthdays, anniversaries... those are practice giving days, warm-ups.

Matt said...

dude skinny ties are going to make a comeback.


f.B said...

matt: dude, it's all about the full Windsor. can't do that with a skinny tie

sara: loved your comment enough to consider changing the pic. but then i realized it would make your comment seem a lot less funny. which wouldn't be fair to you. but if you can imagine, i found a pic of a few guys dressed as the Fruit of the Looms guys, while holding cans of Bud Light

Sara said...

If you put up that picture, I would be forced to make a comment about the ridiculousness of not wanting a gift that showed up carrying beer. What can I say; men’s roos' brings out the best in me.

f.B said...

sara: but at least then it would've been clear that i didn't want them in my pants

LiLu said...

Um... I had no idea there was a Top Chef game...

in the words of Uncle Rico's customer re: a ship in a bottle:


f.B said...

lilu: damnit. i knew i should've just turned this post into a blog giveaway