Once upon a time, I was just a boy, sitting in front of a blog, asking it to love me.*
Then I read this, which led me to analyze my type and platinumize my body analyze my gender.
This was exactly one month ago yesterday. And it wasn't a good day.** Much to my surprise, I learned I was the following:
A Performer
A 56% "male" who performs in soft fabrics, bright colors and sweet smells while doing work that makes it hard to advance to management level positions.
I found that unsatisfactory. It felt like I was being more unisex than an Ally McBeal bathroom. So, over the last 30 days, I took it upon myself to make you laugh, cringe and think harder -- maybe even sing along harder, if you knew the lyrics to "The Nightman" -- than you ever have.
I failed. Because as of this morning, using the same evaluative methodology, I am this:
A Doer
Less of a whore, not yet invited to stay the night... active and playful, with pigtails.
And don't let the soccer ball, tether ball, volleyball? and athletic wear fool you. I'm not a butch doer.
I am now 65% woman.
Sixty. Five. Percent. Really? I post this and I add 12% of womanness? Maybe it's the song lyrics that screw me. Or maybe it's the forming a coherent sentence thing that is presumptively female.
Either way, what I want for Christmas is now obvious. Move over MacBook Pro, and make way for a blog-sex-change.
Starting next week -- is that enough rehab after an operation of this sort? -- I'll be new and improved. And you will see so much content about football and breasts you'll think a corporate merger married ESPN and Maxim.
I don't know how I'm going to change my imagination in 7 days. At the very least, I figure it means bypassing the family tradition of A Christmas Story for some soft-core boom-boom videos.
I'm doing it again, aren't I? Ok, medium-core boom-boom videos. That's manlier enough without breaking decency laws in the District.
Blog. Sex. Change. Three words, one surgery, millions of smiles.***
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*Even when you paraphrase that horrible line it gets better.
Anna Scott: After all... I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.You just can't recreate that glorious Notting Hill dialogue, I guess.
**Definitely not the kind Ice Cube likes.
***No, I'm not actually gonna do it. It's just a little creative license. Just like that part about millions of comments.
14 comments:
*whew*
thought you were serious for a moment...sheesh!
I hear there is a clinic in the islands you can go to for this...
im with lemmie... there must be a place you can go to deal with this.
i think the anna scott quote might have worked against you though in this situation?
SUCH a good quote though.
You know, I took that test too and the "all-knowing" gender analyzer guessed that my blog was written by a guy.
Maybe our results were switched somehow? No? Okay, I blame the test. Just flawed.
Please add belching and scratching.
I have to agree with brookem; quoting any Hugh Grant movie in the context of being manlier is like going to your first AA meeting with a cocktail shaker. Although, Hugh did get a hummer from a prostitute, so maybe you are onto something.
Don't worry. Aparently, I'm a "doer" too.
nina: i actually like the fact that i scratch n sniff my own body significantly less than average. and if my blog reflects that, well...
lemmonex: i fear rusty, sharp instruments. especially for purely elective operations
brookem: i think so too. which is sad. because i loved the layer of irony it added.
liebchen: i just don't understand how i got more womanly.
la: will it get me that Wii location?
sara: i know. it was a really stubborn way of making a point. and since stubbornness is classically male, maybe it'll just break that analyzer in half
20: not so bad being a doer. but why the pigtails?
Still a chick, huh? Yeah me too. Though as you implied, that our knuckles do not have perpetual sores and that this is even slightly reflected in our writing is to our credit.
refugee: i really thought i'd see some change. but i, like you, will take the credit.
Definitely stick with the MacBook Pro. They're doing amazing things these days...
lilu: so i've heard. and they apparently look awesome while doing those amazing things.
(and thank you for the "inspiration" or "idea" for the post)
be a man...drink motor oil for breakfast
the-huh-huh: have you read my profile? "I have Stretch Armstrong's ability and Chuck Norris' refusal to cooperate." if that doesn't mean "man..."
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