the Change I Wish to See

...and whatever else it takes to find my pants

Once upon a time, I was just a boy, sitting in front of a blog, asking it to love me.*

Then I read this, which led me to analyze my type and platinumize my body analyze my gender.

This was exactly one month ago yesterday.  And it wasn't a good day.**  Much to my surprise, I learned I was the following:

A Performer

A 56% "male" who performs in soft fabrics, bright colors and sweet smells while doing work that makes it hard to advance to management level positions.

I found that unsatisfactory.  It felt like I was being more unisex than an Ally McBeal bathroom.  So, over the last 30 days, I took it upon myself to make you laugh, cringe and think harder -- maybe even sing along harder, if you knew the lyrics to "The Nightman" -- than you ever have.

I failed.  Because as of this morning, using the same evaluative methodology, I am this:

A Doer
Less of a whore, not yet invited to stay the night... active and playful, with pigtails.

And don't let the soccer ball, tether ball, volleyball? and athletic wear fool you.  I'm not a butch doer.

I am now 65% woman.

Sixty. Five. Percent.  Really?  I post this and I add 12% of womanness?  Maybe it's the song lyrics that screw me.  Or maybe it's the forming a coherent sentence thing that is presumptively female.

Either way, what I want for Christmas is now obvious.  Move over MacBook Pro, and make way for a blog-sex-change.

Starting next week -- is that enough rehab after an operation of this sort? -- I'll be new and improved.  And you will see so much content about football and breasts you'll think a corporate merger married ESPN and Maxim.

I don't know how I'm going to change my imagination in 7 days.  At the very least, I figure it means bypassing the family tradition of A Christmas Story for some soft-core boom-boom videos.

I'm doing it again, aren't I?  Ok, medium-core boom-boom videos.  That's manlier enough without breaking decency laws in the District.

Blog.  Sex.  Change.  Three words, one surgery, millions of smiles.***

*Even when you paraphrase that horrible line it gets better.
Anna Scott: After all... I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.
You just can't recreate that glorious Notting Hill dialogue, I guess.

**Definitely not the kind Ice Cube likes.

***No, I'm not actually gonna do it.  It's just a little creative license.   Just like that part about millions of comments.


Nina said...


thought you were serious for a moment...sheesh!

Lemmonex said...

I hear there is a clinic in the islands you can go to for this...

brookem said...

im with lemmie... there must be a place you can go to deal with this.

i think the anna scott quote might have worked against you though in this situation?
SUCH a good quote though.

Liebchen said...

You know, I took that test too and the "all-knowing" gender analyzer guessed that my blog was written by a guy.

Maybe our results were switched somehow? No? Okay, I blame the test. Just flawed.

lacochran said...

Please add belching and scratching.

Sara said...

I have to agree with brookem; quoting any Hugh Grant movie in the context of being manlier is like going to your first AA meeting with a cocktail shaker. Although, Hugh did get a hummer from a prostitute, so maybe you are onto something.

20Something said...

Don't worry. Aparently, I'm a "doer" too.

f.B said...

nina: i actually like the fact that i scratch n sniff my own body significantly less than average. and if my blog reflects that, well...

lemmonex: i fear rusty, sharp instruments. especially for purely elective operations

brookem: i think so too. which is sad. because i loved the layer of irony it added.

liebchen: i just don't understand how i got more womanly.

la: will it get me that Wii location?

sara: i know. it was a really stubborn way of making a point. and since stubbornness is classically male, maybe it'll just break that analyzer in half

20: not so bad being a doer. but why the pigtails?

Anonymous said...

Still a chick, huh? Yeah me too. Though as you implied, that our knuckles do not have perpetual sores and that this is even slightly reflected in our writing is to our credit.

f.B said...

refugee: i really thought i'd see some change. but i, like you, will take the credit.

LiLu said...

Definitely stick with the MacBook Pro. They're doing amazing things these days...

f.B said...

lilu: so i've heard. and they apparently look awesome while doing those amazing things.

(and thank you for the "inspiration" or "idea" for the post)

the-huh-huh said...

be a man...drink motor oil for breakfast

f.B said...

the-huh-huh: have you read my profile? "I have Stretch Armstrong's ability and Chuck Norris' refusal to cooperate." if that doesn't mean "man..."