the Change I Wish to See

...and whatever else it takes to find my pants

My iCal tells me today is TMI Thursday.  Ok, well no, I haven't actually scheduled it.  But I did do that thing where you know something at a previous point and then know it again later on -- what's that word?  Right, right: "remember."  I remembered today is TMI Thursday.

Anyway, there are some new people with ready access to this blog because I use it in the signature for my official email address.*

And so, for the record, I have suffered some memory loss today.**

I have never done anything disgusting, I have never participated in anything gross and I wouldn't even understand what it meant to disappoint my parents.  I am also a great addition to the workplace and a stand-up citizen.

Accordingly, the following are 5 TMI-caliber scenarios that have never played out in my real life.  Well, one did.  But I'm going to hide it amongst the other 4 so you can't tell the difference.***

1.  At the ripe, budding age of 26, having spent 7 of the last 8 years in school, almost a third of my life has been dominated by roommate-living situations.  However, I have never had a roommate become so intoxicated that he barged into my room, late at night to give me the gift of being able to relate to the following song:

2.  I've never been adept at math.  Never.  I don't like having to do it anywhere.  Anywhere.  And, necessarily, that includes while on a solo road trip between DC and New Jersey, on the bottom part of the Turnpike where there are virtually no rest areas, at 2 o'clock in the morning.  So, again, math I've never done out of necessity while in a car:
(empty cup) + #1 = relief.
3.  I am not a desperate man.  I am patient and kind; flatteringly so, I might add.  So, naturally, I have never gotten the "Spirit in the Dark" so badly, that I forgave a lady's overly-curious domesticated animal for thinking its presence in the room meant it was invited to participate.
4.  I have never acted out of character; certainly never in the back of a jam-packed school bus.  And so I have never done/received such heavy petting in so public of a setting that while I wouldn't have actually...
... I might have left a rather obvious "watermark," for the whole world to see, in a place that needs no identifying signature.
5.  I have never been, am not now, and by the grace of jebus will never be the kind of guy who spent the night in a female friend's bed -- an actual, honest-to-goodness, seemingly-impossible-to-believe, you-still-probably-aren't-buying-it-now, platonic, female friend's bed -- and to my surprise and hers woke up to find myself moving my hips towards her at a rate inappropriate for the platonic situation.  This is because my dreams are asexual and not vivid, and therefore the movement of my body during sleep is not vulgar.
Happy Thursday.

*I know what I'm about to do, and I'm not proud of it.
**Spineless?  Probably.
***If you think you figured it out, click on the "Contact" tab above, or just hit me at franco.beans[at]gmail[dot]com, and we can talk about it over a drink or two.


Katie said...


Sara said...

I love the list.

Liebchen said...

Sometimes I'm jealous I can't do math like that. Road trips are harder when you're a girl.

f.B said...

katie: i sense a lot of judgment in there

sara: ty. but did you guess which one is true?

liebchen: so i've heard. though i've also heard the exact opposite. i don't know what to believe

lacochran said...

"Anyway, there are some new people with ready access to this blog because I use it in the signature for my official email address.*"


f.B said...

i know. really, really brainless. did not think that one out very well

LiLu said...

I'm going #3 is real...