the Change I Wish to See

...and whatever else it takes to find my pants

Stop laughing.  That could be you tonight.
Don't believe me?  Neither did these people:

... and look what happened to them.

Remember that whole "we think beyond our means.... there are ... boundaries for our talents" bit the other day?  Well, it's never truer than when we dance.  And tonight we'll have more reasons to flail arms and stubbornly kick feet than on any other night of the year.

But you know that guy who always shows up on nights like tonight?  The guy who'll punctuate every greeting with frotteurism and insisting you party like it's 1999 (tip: he might look like this*)...

Don't fall into his trap.  Don't become prime material for Google images.

"But f.B, you handsome devil," you say, "how can I avoid the inevitable?"

Easy.  3-step program.

1. For most of us, this

... is not our life; not even metaphorically.  So forget this picture existed.  Because you can't recreate it.  And if you're just so sure you can and just so sure you're much more talented than me, know that on a night like tonight, the dance floor will look more like your metro commute


  2. Two-step.  Like you never have before.**

                                                                                  John Sill

Yes you can cross one foot in front of the other if a pseudo-salsa is your thing.  That's fine.  Do you.  Just do it like it's a job interview, because any employer you'd want to work for knows what the YouTube is.

3.  Ignore everything I just said.  Grind your hips; against your date, the wall, someone else's date, whatever you can find.  It's the last night of the year.  Treat 2008 like Vegas and know that the best way to stave off humiliation is knowing that everyone else is humiliating themselves, too.

I'm gonna be sifting through your blogs again come Friday.  And I wanna see footage of you and your buds performing creative interpretations of the following booty shaking classic:


Happy New Year!

*Dear guy's lawyers: Not that this actual guy has or would ever do something like that.
**Try the Galapagos two-step.


Liebchen said...

Oh god. That first video makes me want to avoid dancing at all costs.

It's an accident waiting to happen.

lacochran said...

Happy New Year! Wishing you a fabulous 2009 with plenty of blog-worthy embarrassing material... about other people. :)

Rachel said...

Absolutely the entertaining thing I've read all day. That first picture totally made my evening.

Happy New Years!

Anonymous said...

A cautionary tale to be heeded. Have a great night, and an even better new years.

LiLu said...

Great. Now I desperately want a blue-footed booby.

Add it to my fugly tab...

Happy New Year, darling!

f.B said...

liebchen: at all costs. that one guy who just leaves his feet? why did he just leave his feet?

la: right. other people. happy new year to you too

rachel: welcome. i like to think this is an evening-making kind of place

refugee: heeded and a little disregarded.

lilu: ha! you want to get your hands on a booby.

Sara said...

I must have that poster. I will die if I don't have it. OK, I may not die but I really, really want it.

Happy New Year

f.B said...

sara: it is a near-death quality poster. gotta thank the interwebs for that find.

Nina said...

you're very

f.B said...

nina: why, thank you. my imagination is something i could never dream up. it makes this whole "life" thing so much easier