the Change I Wish to See

...and whatever else it takes to find my pants

Over the weekend, I finally found I had a few moments to do the little things you promise yourself you'll do as soon as the weekdays are over.  Saturday comes and it's like I'm my own administrative assistant, doing all the actual work that makes the weekdays productive*.

Instead, I spent that time on the

That's right, The** Facebook.

Since I hadn't done this in a while, I had a string of requests, which despite being described as from "friends" felt more like panhandling.

Someone wanted me to tell her the "color of my heart."  Another wanted me to play "Parking Wars" or join "Parking Wars" or something "Parking Wars" so that I could catch my friends "parking illegally and nail them with a big ticket."  There was a slot machine invitation and a roll-the-brim-to-win invitation***...  I was sent a couple of teddy bears, two patches and was asked to "tell everyone about JESUS."  In all, some 33 requests.

There was also a lone friend request.  It was from someone in Maine, a state I've been to once 10 years ago and promptly left without sadness.

Using my keen great mouse detective skills...

... I tried sifting through this stranger's profile, but I was blocked.  So I wrote a pleasant message to the stranger in search of more information and this is how our correspondence unfolded:

me: hi.  i got a friend request from you a while ago.  but i don't recognize your name and couldn't see your profile info to jog my memory.  do i know you?

stranger: damn... my computer must have virus.

I find this explanation unsatisfactory.  It makes less sense than that time Fox and E! let the The Simple Life run for five seasons.
Which virus would that be, stranger lady?  Is that the one that inexplicably auto-generates my and only my email address?  Or is it the one that makes you full of crap: full-o-crap-o-request-itis?
I don't believe you.  And you suck at lying.  And you are woefully under-responsive.  Let's say I acquiesce: so your computer has a virus -- I'm sorry, "has virus."  So we never met?  Or we did and only a virus could make you interested in being my Facebook friend?  Are you sorry it wasted my time?
You didn't even repeal the friend request!
Fine.  I'll do it myself.  Whatevs.  I don't like you either.  My computer has bacteria.

*Productive (pro- duck-tiv): having the quality or power of freeing me to check out blogs.
**Pronounced as only an octogenarian could.
***Can you roll a brim?  What does that even mean?  Seriously, if you're gonna make up stuff, it might as well be funny, like come "shave the fart" or you gotta try "plugging the fruit."


lacochran said...

On "plugging the fruit"... Years ago we took a hike on the C&O Canal and the park building there had a wooden mule with a slot in it's back and a plexiglass stomach so you could put donations in it. The sign said something like "Help us fuel the mule". To this day, we make inappropriate comments about fueling the mule.

f.B said...

there's something great in the formula of phrases like that. like "ride the cheese."

i'm glad you still fuel the mule whenever you can.

Anonymous said...

One can actually "roll a brim," however it is ill advised as the term "brim" in this context is reserved for nicer and more expensive hats which should be professionally "blocked" rather then have their brims rolled.

Oh, and you gave me another reason to stay away from The Facebook.

Sara said...

Facebook is like another language for me. Until they come out with a way to learn it on tape, I am completely un-interested.

f.B said...

refugee: so you're saying i should give Facebook a break on that one?

sara: it's a functional language. kind of like Esperanto

Liebchen said...

I can't stand all the useless applications, yet, I'm still moderately hooked on Facebook.

I've also gotten the random friend requests, but usually just hit "ignore." (Although, I feel a little bad doing it.)

Lemmonex said...

Oh facebook--I love and hate you. I am so sick of people asking me to join their lily patch or whatever, though.

f.B said...

liebchen: maybe now i'll no longer feel bad just hitting ignore. stranger lady ruined it for everyone

lemmonex: sooner or later those lily patch invites are going to make me question some actual friendships

Brooke said...

I like the latest requests: "Jennifer just answered a question about your personal life. [What did Jennifer say?]

I don't give a crap! Dumb facebook and it's addicting quality.

brookem said...

im with lem- those damn green patch requests are lame-o.
f'king facebook. no i do NOT want to decorate a virtual tree.

f.B said...

brooke: !! the ones where [Jennifer] evaluates my personality! if it's good news: i probably already know. if it's bad news: who needs that?

brookem: ... or attend a virtual tree lighting...