the Change I Wish to See

...and whatever else it takes to find my pants

Some preliminary matters...

Just got added to Alltop and the confirming email I got told me I would lose my life be vasectomized break an honor code if I didn't caress its tit to get my tat tell you about it to increase Alltop traffic.

Anyway, I don't know if it's something I should be excited about, but I am kind of excited about it.  Like, flatly excited about it.  Like, Michael Flatley excited about it:*

Ok.  Enough of that.  On to the real deal...

Ladies and gents, it is TMI Thursday.  And, much to my chagrin, that means the SnugWOW was ahead of its time.  Thankfully**, the well is far from dry.  Here goes...
I started life as a virgin.  It's a shame really.  You spend so much of life trying to be anything but that, that it's really, really frustrating to realize there was a whole section of life where it was completely beyond your control -- namely the fetal stage.

And so having started life as a virgin, I fell into a rut.  I thought it was what I was meant to be.  And so I developed character traits and habits to support this theory: going to church, well, uh, religiously; pristine prudishness; not dating; not understanding why the female figure is so freaking amazing***; a bunch of other really outdated ideology.****

So my proverbial first kiss caught me by surprise.  She asked me out -- something I had only ever seen on that episode of Saved By the Bell with the Sadie Hawkins dance.

We went to see Enemy of the State.*****  Correction: my dad drove us.  Correction: and my 9 year-old brother insisted on coming along and my mom told me I had to let him.

It was a creepy setting actually, when we got to the theater: Bergenfield, NJ's Clearview Cinema 5.
                                                              (photo credit: johnkay1)
It was dark.  And a little damp, actually.  It was winter outside and there was that humid feeling because the heat was on low, but because the floor was really wet from people tracking snow in, moisture was in the air.  And there was this old guy in the rear corner of our otherwise empty theater.  Just sitting there.  Hands invisible.

So let me refresh the scene.  The young lady and I are watching Will Smith and Gene Hackman flee the hideout after Smith screwed up and gave away their location.  My 9 year old brother is sitting directly in front of us.  And there's a solitary, senior citizen in the back corner, not showing his hands.  And the air is sticky moist.

Then she jumped me.  She literally jumped out of her seat and onto me.  Now, since I look like this...
... I understood, and may have forgiven her.  But I don't like the inside of my esophagus being licked.  Call me a romantic-traditionalist.  And I don't like being forcibly straddled while my 9 year-old brother is within an arm's length.  And I don't like knowing the eyes of a guy I'd later recognize to be Herbert from Family Guy...

... are watching our every loins-fueled move, while he whistle-whispers sweet nothings through his gums.

Of course I didn't stop it, though.  That would've been tasteful.  I just struggled to breathe and tried to, uh, use my hands to do some, uh, stuff.  The whole hands-on approach failed miserably, of course, because it was December and she had left her huge winter coat on over her scarf and sweater.  And if you've ever tried maneuvering two bodies in down coats, silently, in a small town movie seat, you know how little space you have to work with and, ergo, how Mission: Impossible your feat is.  You don't even want to touch most of what surrounds you, let alone rub it all over you.

Anyway, at some point we stopped; awkwardly, because there was like over an hour of movie left.  And when the movie was over, as we walked out, remember that old guy?  Yeah.  He was giggling.  Giggle. Ing.
*Please, please, please watch the whole thing.
**For whom?
***At this moment, I'd like to personally thank Salma Hayek for making a big, big difference in my life.
****Outdated for me.  I somehow actually understand if you're still at that place.  I credit this to the adage: "you can take me out of the church but you can't Eternal-Sunshine-of-the-Spotless-Mind me enough to make me forget I was there."
*****Yes, I know.  That dates me.  I'm only 26.  Secret's out.


Lemmonex said...

I got felt up for the first time during "Titanic". A memory for the ages, I will tell you.

f.B said...

welcome to you, too. a lot of people forget the eroto-thriller side of Titanic.

lacochran said...

This is riveting! I have so many questions!

Did your brother turn around? Did he tell your folks? Did you get annoyed because her head was in the way during a critical scene in the movie?

Oh, and, yeah, I watched the whole Flatley video. Oh, the shame. Don't tell Flatley. I hear his ego is enormous already.

f.B said...

my brother insists he knew nothing. i find that hard to believe because she elbowed him in the back of the shoulder. but he never told and it's why i love him.

but you have learned a lot about me in a short time. i am so the kind of person who would get annoyed that her head was in the way. and i did, my first reaction really was "the movie!" but i got past that, somehow

Liebchen said...

I went to see Armageddon on a date. Well, his mom dropped him off, my mom dropped me off, and we sat next to each other and brushed hands.

Then, when we were waiting for our parents after, he went to kiss my cheek and ended up kissing my ear instead.


Anonymous said...

My first kiss was at summer camp. During a movie. And predictably awful.

Sara said...

I was ready for a post about how A-Ha changed your life. Luckily, the story about being sexually assaulted in a move theatre was even better than A-Ha.

f.B said...

liebchen: brushing hands is still one of the hottest things, if done right. too bad it gets a horrible name because so many hands are sweaty or coarse, or because we associate awkward teen moments with it

refugee: i used to think awkward first kisses should be legislated against. but we need them. they keep us humble if we give them, and give us balance if we survive them

sara: even better than A-Ha? not possible

Deutlich said...

I have never experienced an in-movie grope session.

I am all right w/this.

Nina said...

i literally LAUGHED OUT LOUD....

your chagrin. my amusement.

such is life!

Patti Ann said...

jersey! i'm from jersey!

f.B said...

deutlich: i dunno. i think it worked as a post, but remember the part where i didn't stop it

nina: it's what i aim for

patti ann: JERSEY! we should talk