the Change I Wish to See

...and whatever else it takes to find my pants

Dear Purveyors of Evil,

Yes, you, credit-pusher Visa and producers of "Secret Millionaire" on Fox.

You deserve to die.*  In fact, since Santa is real and Great Depression-proof, my Christmas wish is that you be dead.

You may not have noticed, being blinded by the reptilian scales covering your eyes and all, but our economy is on the verge of being in shambles.  The Economist says we're seeing such global housing market declines that we're probably going to have to redefine "homeless."  Like all well-intended descriptive words -- e.g., "special" -- "homeless" loses a little meaning when it can be used to describe pretty much everyone.  There is obviously a problem when the market is such that


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 (by tbonzzz_6)

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(by shainelee)

Now I don't want to get all Nader on you, but you two giant peas in a corporate pod have outdone yourselves lately.

Visa, your newest contribution to an incredibly fragile world is an advertising campaign for "the ultimate buying tool:" your Black Card.  It's made of carbon graphite -- not plastic -- and "available to only 1% of US Residents."  It costs $495 a year to hold (not to use, just to take space in your wallet).**



Fox, not to be outflanked, your good people are pushing Secret Millionaire -- a show where flatulently-wealthy people travel in private jets to less financially fortunate areas of the country, camouflage themselves with neediness to blend in, and then surprise unknowing locals with their actual identities and $100,000 checks!  But the giving isn't charity.  Those in need have to be found "worthy."  You actually use the word "worthy."

Your timing is unimaginable.  I have written you a new combo-slogan: "Visa and Fox -- poking poverty in the eye since inception."

If there is a god, she*** will smite you.  And I hope it's at least tied for the worst smiting ever.

That is all.



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*Though if you actually read this, and die, and I get criminally charged or something, I'm suing you.  And then you'll be dead and sued.  So. Sued.
**Admittedly, this may be the least expensive penile implant ever for men in search of a couple imaginary inches.  And you don't even have to go under the knife!
***I imagine her as Alanis Morissette in Dogma.

7 comments:

lacochran said...

I've never paid for a credit card and I'm not gonna start now even for graphite. Much less $495! Ha! This must truly be for people who have money to burn.

f.B said...

don't get me wrong: i'd love to have enough money to making burning it a consideration. i just like to think that i'd ignore that idea and not just throw it all away on graphite

Patti Ann said...

i feel that the secret millionaires could probably afford more than $100,000 checks.

Sara said...

Bravo is not far behind them. If I see one more version of “Materialistic Silicone Wives" I might vomit.

f.B said...

patti ann: they so could. i think one guy said he bought his first private jet when he was 18

sara: so would i. the flaunting is out of control

FoggyDew said...

Hadn't heard about the card, but the ads for that show drive me up the wall. True goodness and charity do not require an hour on Faux.

www.post-gazette.com/pg/08337/932115-100.stm

f.B said...

if it was truly good, it wouldn't be on Fox